Wife wants to me leave me because I quit my office job to start living life as Greaser

Attn All Lovers Of Doggos, Pupperinos & Furbabies—We Are Collecting Your Pets To Send Them To Beautiful Israel Where Theyll Become Champions

My name
Is Tiger woods and the only thing I love more than golf or my kids is crashing the absolute fuck out of my car while drunk/on pills as hell

From the desk of FiveWayLogJam:
“I’d rather date a flat earther than a flat asser”
Send tweet

Cousin on cousin violence

I’m the guy who had the idea to make Snape
be black and I get more death threats than God

Me sending my 6 year
Old son to war in Iran

My six year old’s school got confused and instead of putting him a bus to go home they put him on one of those big marine boats going to Iran. My son is going to war. Gonna be a nice weekend for me

My son’s doctor said we need to put him (he’s 6 btw) on the Home Depot diet. It’s where I only feed him food I can buy at a Home Depot. This post is sponsored by @homedepotofficial.bsky.social

My cousin got my 6 year old son a deck hand job on a oil tanker ship in Kuwait. He just called me and said his ship go fucking torpedoed! Oh well

As far as I know we arent supposed to be making depictions of him??

My 6 year old son ate an onion that’s been on my kitchen floor for 18 months #UGH

Mixed news: Nickelodeon producer Dan Schneider has been hit by a SCUD missile while on set of a new production in Eastern Iraq #avengeDan

TV Show: the Ozmepic Challenge. Three 400lb Americans are judges, and they each get a team of 5 chefs. Each judge takes ozempic and their teams prepare meals for them. At the end of episode each of the judges gets weighed and whoever loses the most lb loses a member of their team until one chef left

Signing up for ARMY so I can go to IRAN WAR so I can escape my ANNOYING AS SHIT 6 YEAR OLD SON

I’m in the US military and I’m about to make a fortune betting against me surviving a drone strike. The other gamblers don’t know how slow I run

Learning about about #boats

Got too drunk on a Tuesday night to write my great American novel… fuck!!!

My six most loyal cousins and I have formed a Junta and have occupied and are managing our local McDonald’s to great success, and despite our judicious use of corporal punishment drivethru wait times are down 18%

It’s called “alcoholic cirrhosis” and she’s not kidding

It’s okay don I recognize you’re profile picture

Not getting a lot of attention in mainstream media but the latest Epstein files drop includes about a dozen deeply embarrassing emails I sent to Jeff E. telling him I would kill myslef unless he gave me back the $1,500 I gave him for a 1991 Toyota Camry that died a week after I bought it from him

I got a Grammy for the recoding of me calling 911 when I got my penis/genitals caught in the fence which went viral last year in the midst of my very public divorce which the local paper referred to as “the worst divorce to happen in this county since May”

My 6 year old son watched the Melania movie and it made him kill himself #ama

It’s okay he was Earth’s Bastard

My cousin was gonna be an extra in it but was killed by 17 muggers in s small town in Wyn0ming before he got to the set

Soon!

Air Force 1 had to turn around because Trump was jerkingoff (understandable) but when he nutted some of it went into one of the planes vents and it got clogged so they had to turn around to get the vent cleaned out just to be safe, which, to be fair, could happen to anyone

Giving my 6 year old son his daily hardtack

The cast of Everybody Loves Raymond DENOUNCES ISRAEL. Google it