A lady made a TikTok that went viral and people were writing mean comments for no reason. One of them was that she looks like someone who gardens. What in the hollyhock kind of insult is that?

I drove by the beach last week and I’ve been cleaning sand out of my car ever since

The best parenting advice I ever gave my children was not to skimp when buying a laundry basket because the handles on the cheap ones always immediately break

me: I can trace my family all the way to the Mayflower

American friend: wow, that’s incredi—

me: yes, it’s definitely our favourite pub

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Quick question, how do I know if there is a method to my madness?

Every single interaction with my family points to some kind of a hospital mix-up.

Therapist: When they’re talking, just focus on them and what they’re saying.

Me: OK, I just posted what you said.

Reading between the lines of your (6) passive aggressive kissy faces

I probably won’t need to purchase any more paperclips in this lifetime

There's always that one flight attendant who thinks they’re a standup comedian.

No one lies more than I do when I say "I'm just going to have one" as I pull a Reese's peanut cup out of the party size bag.

Husband with a tape measurer: It’s only a couple centimeters off.

Me: I hope you mean millimeters.

4yo: He means elevators.

Idk, maybe I’ll become a Buffalo Wild Wings Rewards guy.

On a scale of one to Jeff Goldblum how fly are you?

Safety message: Make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee.

All the Nobel Prizes for the first person to harness the endless supply of cringe in the world as energy.

Let’s go ahead & cancel the rest of the day. Just to go back to bed.

I have two settings: I have plenty of time to get ready and oh sh*t!

Excuse me while I slip into something less reality.

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’

Cool, I’ve just gotten sarcasm and abandonment issues.

Wife: Work is giving us pizza today to show their appreciation.

Me: Sounds a lot like those Severance waffle parties.

Wife: *dies*

Who needs horror movies when you can just turn on the news.

I'm too unstable to put change back into my wallet when there's a line behind me.

A place to call my own