The hatred I have right now toward my neighbors with DJ bass pumping at 10:13pm can’t possibly be coming from the same girl who thanked her neighbors in 1994 for not telling her parents about the strobe light and wine-cooler bottles in the yard while her parents were out of town

It just occurred to me I’ve been wearing mascara all these years just to try to recapture the natural lashes I had when I was 5

Trays of 18 fresh eggs in a store, marked at $6.66 each (a reduction)

For making devilled eggs

Just remembering fondly how my second grade reading teacher used to call me by the nickname “Leaky bladder“ in front of the whole class every time I asked to go to the bathroom…

Bedtime, lights out.

Nobody:

My son: “Do you think water gets thirsty?… Would that be cannibalism?”

I need more information

Surrounded by my fellow dad-issue people here in the Father’s Day card aisle

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

you can sneak a lot more spaghetti on the plane if you put it in a guitar case

My auto greeting now: “Oops sorry I missed this heyyyyy”

Can't wait for tonight to rewatch this week's zoom meetings

Autocorrect doesn’t want me saying if things are “alive”, but it definitely wants me talking about someone named “Alice”

i wear my fanny pack tilted to the side so motherfuckas know whassup

my grandpa was illiterate so i have no idea if this ouija board is working or not

I don’t understand people who forget to eat. I’m already planning lunch while chewing breakfast.

Sex ed for teens should include loading kids, stroller, & groceries/sports gear into the car while the baby has a blowout all in the pouring rain.

Showing up at a crime scene with two cups of coffee and handing one to the officer in charge while asking him, “So, what do we have here?” is only appropriate if you’re a cop. I know that now.

This is my emotional support The Office binge.

Parenting:
I can be annoyed at my kid but I don’t want anyone else to be ever.

Thought I’d be a cool fun mom by doing the Slip’n’ Slide with my son. My knee had other plans.

I used to be irritated by all these youths sporting F•R•I•E•N•D•S t-shirts without ever having seen a single episode, until I remembered how in middle school I owned not one but two of those dancing bears Grateful Dead t-shirts but couldn’t have told you one of their songs

Exactly

Grapefruit juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol, but it has too many anger issues.

Do you think the Vatican still has that new Pope smell?