A less defined and less corporeal self feels disappointed. That's related but separate to the abandonment. They are connected like how envy connects with jealousy. The yearning self also related to abandonment. He wonders if will ever hear from her again.

I'm sitting quietly on the train. I imagine alter versions of me sitting on other seats. One of them is dressed like me with the ofmd ed jacket feeling abandoned, an alter is yearning for another. Another is a transfem wearing her only dress. Standing not sitting, she has her dress it's not away

I think as I get older I'll have to deal with more and more social isolation. It takes a toll on me. Unbearably difficult. If I didn't have the running I wouldn't cope

Myself in front of mirror. I am without shirt

I made it through Easter not without a lot of difficulty. But I feel a breath of relief. June makes me anxious, the summer makes me anxious. I managed to put all my feelings into running and I lost a bit more weight. I am catching up on streaming and culture

I've lost a bit more weight. If I have stabilised or maintained my weight I feel relief at least for a bit. I just want to feel in control of something. Resting until tomorrow I think. Also I went tailors to get my dress fitted and other items

Me in front of a mirror in rh gym toilets

Easter makes me feel very unsettled this year. Yesterday was early gym closing and Monday the same. The gym is the only place I where I feel I have a chance to make things better it makes me scared if I can't go even if it's an early afternoon finish. I'm getting scared how close Christmas is

I am wearing Athene's dress

I wish I could wear Athene's dress more

Drawing of Ed from Our Flag Means Death. He's smiling, looking down, his long lashes on display. His hair is pulled back in his usual half-bun. His beard is full. He's wearing his leather jacket.

His name is Ed.

He's messy. And a bit selfish. He's a little broken. He has so much love for everyone but himself. He's tired and sad and is acting out about it. He loves to play. He loves beautiful and soft things.

He made me feel seen. I cherish this character.

#ofmd #OurFlagMeansDeath

Drawing of Ed from Our Flag Means Death. His back is turned to the viewer. He's resting both hands on the ship's railing. His tattered red silk is under one hand.

I never connected with a character so wholly before Ed. His breakdown is difficult for me to watch. It's confrontational. It's very personal. That suffocating self-loathing is painfully familiar. #OFMD helped me change my life. I choose to stay above the surface every single day. #OurFlagMeansDeath

Drawing of Ed from Our Flag Means Death. His face is looking up, his eyes are closed, his hair is whipping around him in rain and wind.

My tumbling, tumultuous brain calms when I can dump feelings into my art. I'm so grateful for our beautiful show and this character. Ed is my outlet.

I drew this when I was treading water in Nov 2022. Most days I'm still treading water. But that means I'm surviving them. #OurFlagMeansDeath #ofmd

I am in bed with my stede bonnet red robe comforting me

Me RN

I really want it to be good enough and I really want not to keep pushing myself so much. I'm breaking on the inside because I refuse to stop. When I run it's an allegory and show of commitment to the difficult advocacy I do

Last night I ran so hard that I had difficulty remembering names and memories and I was in a significant amount of distress. I ate a little bit but probably not enough. I am trying to eat bit by bit since then. I think it took me 17 hours to physically recover to be able to sit up

It might seem alien for some people to have such strong feelings for a person I don't know. It is weird. Dane's music gave me something that became important to me. It gave me a way to understand the darknesses. I do like that the new singer has the utmost admiration for Dane. Not replacing him

I remember after a break up I would listen to Warrel Dane's Praises to the War Machine. That album still means so much. Dane was the lead singer of Nevermore. They sort of broke up after 2011 or so and Dane died while he was making another solo album, 'Shadow Work'

Judas Priest announced a tour with Nevermore. I saw Priest last year (they are great!) but I don't feel a big draw to see them again. I do however want to see Nevermore. They got back together with a new vocalist who is epic

Olivia Dean is really nice and it's about love and it's so difficult and it's the pain of being able to express love, of showing it. One of my alters creates intense physical distress and it suffocates me. It's like a physical hold over from bulimia

Recently I've been really upset and distressed in a way I can't listen to any music unless it's specifically from my metal playlist, which is basically anything with Poppy or Nils Molin. I think my eating disorder has come back. I'm scared

I'm listening to this Brit awards winning artist called Olivia Dean and it's touching me in such a way inside my brain that it's caused a dissociation/alter episode

Black long sleeveless dress with two dupattas in a violet colour

Dress belonging to @antisophie.bsky.social , 'Athene's dress'. The chiffon fabric is an Indian garment called a Dupatta. Although the flowing and drapery is to allude to Goddess Athena. The deliberate decision to have a culturally Indian item is for our heritage to those gender diverse desis before

happy 4 years anniversary of ed and stede's first kiss

If @pinknews.bsky.social have no reporters now, what's the point of following them?

All I see these days is inane, sugar-covered queer slop, whether human or AI, I don't know. And they are still too lazy to use alt text.

Anyone have a single good reason to keep following them?

So sorry to hear about this @sophieperryportfolio.com really one of the great journalists reporting on the community right now

Gym opens 6:30. That's 5 hours from now. I just need to sleep 4.5 hours then get ready. I hope I'll be lucky and it's in post property. It will badly affect my work if I don't have glasses

I ran for 3 hours in the gym and I did 5.5 hours cardio in general for sunday. Doctor said I shouldn't do 6-8 hours or it's dangerous. 5:59 is fine though right? I think the running triggers the dissociation though

I dissociated earlier tonight and I lost a lot of personal items . I hope it's in the gym and in their lost property. I lost my glasses. I'm using 3 years old prescription to make do but I really need my current one.

Dissociating. There's one self that's too afraid to face things. Barely the vocabulary to express herself. At a loss for how to speak or what to do. I am working on confronting and ignoring that self

Meant to say reposting, that changes the meaning of the wording. An error on my part

I googled English Catholic Church and they are not even the first 2 results and the third one is to a Facebook group. English Catholic Church could be a metal band and would get more hits I think. Maybe a power metal band with Dune references