in times like these i like to focus on the things i can control (nothing)

Give me a call sometime. I mean, I’m not gonna answer, but go ahead and call.

Why is my Pornography Box making this strange sound?

Wife: That's your phone. Your dentist is calling you.

*Astonished* I have a dentist?!

If you break into a sweat worrying about what others think, nothing changes other than you'll stink.

today's AI posts are brought to you by: explaining to AI what i think is funny

the news anchor is a sock puppet. the headlines are written in crayon.

gravity switched off for 7 seconds. everyone politely ignored it. british apocalypse.

the dog’s bark is dubbed over with a tuba. no one acknowledges the discrepancy.

all clocks display ‘???:??’ the concept of ‘late’ is obsolete. we’re all free.

the wifi password changed itself to ‘OBEY.’ the router is getting ambitious.

the cat has been reciting tax law since 3 a.m. i think it’s preparing for a coup.

my shadow peeled off and started taking notes. i didn’t consent to this audit.

the stapler refuses to staple... it only hums show tunes now. this is union retaliation.

Are you trying to ratio me for not being popular on here? Why would I care? I'm just putting my posts here, I can do whatever the fuck I want including telling people who usually don't post politics to not post politics. Get off your high horse, I'm not even American. I don't care.

Your country voted for him now please stop putting more US politics in my feed, I don't care lmao

What would happen if people would not post about politics

*peppers your doctor*

I stole this joke

don’t meet your heros. i finally saw the critters from redwall irl and they don’t even talk. they’re just pissing and shitting everywhere.

Me: Nice rope! I have one, too!

Them: Yeah, well you use yours to tie up your wife, I use mine to hang myse

Listening to sad songs while I'm chopping onions so I don't have to face my feelings

stop showing me politics, bsky, I'm gonna keep blocking them 😃

hey babe can you grab me a potion of minor magicka from the fridge

Why are there poems in my feed? I barely know what an alliteration is, and if you say it's an ABAB rhyme I will pretend to understand, but man, bluesky, this isn't for me.

Bud, pet me and call me a good boy, give me free food and a roof over my head, I'll sit in your lap and meow, I don't care!

The hand on the throat is a pure heater move, buddy knows what's good

Caused an online argument today, might do it again. They're still fighting, I had to turn off notifications. Wouldn't want that to nag me while I have a great day.

Dear Diary,

It's fucking cold today. I'm freezing my ass off. Like, it's really cold. Turning up the heating would mean getting up, so I refuse to do it. I did get up to make coffee and put on a hoodie. I'm an enigma.

Looks warm and certainly quite cozy, bit of condensation on the windows. Could use a sofa or similar furniture item. The people here are kind and helpful. The walls look nice, must have been painted recently. All in all, good stall, had a fine piss, 9/10.

Sad to report the coffee was weak, but the milk was good. We are good.