Poor kid!

Ok so maybe Ben is ridiculously spoiled but I've almost always been able to avoid critical care by hand feeding him. Yes, I will sit on the floor and hand him one piece of hay then another piece of hay then another piece of hay then another piece of hay... This can go on for a while.

"This is an important thing to think about."

Illustration from unpublished HP Lovecraft story "The Snuggler in the Darkness"

InfoWars Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing…

Some timeline stuff:
— We expect to get InfoWars.com after the judge clears it in a couple of weeks.
— We'll build a world of characters on the site and across social media. Tim Heidecker is in charge, and we have grand designs.
— Visit theonion.info, buy a subscription, help us dominate the world.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a great darkness that was, somehow, all my fault. Today, that childhood dream is finally coming true. Today I can finally say the sweetest nine or 10 words in the English language: Global Tetrahedron has completed its plan to control InfoWars.com. I’ve had a lot of time to think about InfoWars in the last year and a half. As the seasons have changed, my ambitions for the project have grown grander, crueler, better aligned with market data. Come, friends, and imagine with me…

Imagine a roaring arena packed to the rafters with pathological liars. High above you in the nosebleeds are podcasters, screaming that you’ll die if you don’t buy their skincare products. Below, on the floor, imagine demonic battalions of super-influencers physically forcing people into home fitness devices designed to dismantle their bodies bone by bone and reassemble them into a grotesque statue of yourself. Out of the throngs, an extremely sick looking man approaches you. He puts his hands on your shoulders. He explains that he is your life coach and that you owe him $800. Such is the InfoWars I envision: An infinite virtual surface teeming with ads. Not just ads, but scams! Not just scams, but lies with no object, free radical misinformation, sentences and images so poorly thought out that they are unhealthy even to view for just a few seconds. The InfoWars of old was only the prototype for the hell I know we can build together: A digital platform where, every day, visitors sacrifice themselves at altars of delusion and misery, their minds fully disintegrating on contact.

With this new InfoWars, we will democratize psychological torture, welcoming brutal and sadistic ideas from everyone, even the very stupidest among us. It will be like the Manhattan Project, only instead of a bomb, we will be building a website. The InfoWars of tomorrow will converge into a swirling vortex of content about content, talent acquiring talent, rings of concentric media mergers processing all human artistry into one endlessly digestible slurry. This will be a dank, sunless place, one where panic and capital feed on each other like twins in the womb of a hulking, unknowable monster—a monster known by many names, but which I like to call modern-day America. All of this is to say that I believe in us. I believe that with the new InfoWars, we can alchemize the pioneering spirit of amateur inquiry, the profit-maximizing drive of corporations, and the cold mental clarity that comes only with disciplined daily ingestion of mind- and body-altering chemicals. If we can do that, what other great things can we do together?

I don’t yet know, but I’m excited to find out. Welcome home, warriors. The future belongs to us. We’re writing the story now. It’s going to be a long one, and it’s going to be a bad one. So settle in. Make yourself comfortable. Buy a tote bag. Nothing can stop us now that we’re in charge of a website. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron

We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...

theonion.info

We'll see how he does but I wouldn't be surprised if his performance over his last election is pretty significantly improved.

The Catholics weren't always the good guys either. We can absolutely embrace them as leaders in this moment but I hope we don't forget the harm they've done either.

Yeah but he also changed into a bowtie. It really seals the professional look in place.

A black rabbit in a box

Guys! Help me! There's some kind of shadow creature in this box asking for pets.

I have all the good stuff. Loops, apple banana hay treats, joint support treats, sticks, nanners, salads, chamomile, calendula, dandelions, apples, strawberry greens, 3 kinds of pellets. I can send her home with a to go box for you too.

Glad to hear it 🥰

...to love

Can I borrow her to show me real quick?

A black rabbit with a pile of food

It's Ben's first meal prep day as a single bun so he's eating like a king. He didn't have to share his strawberry greens with anybun. He seems like he's doing alright so far but if I do happen to see an elderly rabbit at the shelters I will strongly consider getting him one.

Oh I had the sound off so I thought that were entertaining the president for a minute there but no they're just at a kindergarten.

I don't recall any previous transformative technologies that had to be sold to the public so hard. No one in 1999 was going, "Guys. Cell phone? It's coming, whether we like it or not. I think it's important, FOR WOMEN ESPECIALLY, to learn about cell phone. So that we're not left behind!!"

you are being P E R C E I V E D

"Those taxes you just paid? The money is going straight into Trump's pocket" would be good messaging

Watch out he's feisty

A black rabbit with dandelions

Have bunny

off limits so he only did it when he wasn't being watched and Ben would follow him. They would get caught because he was a crazy man about it. I'M ON THE COUCH!!1! I'm guessing he won't do it if they all did it themselves but I'll try to get him to. He hides under the chair a lot instead.

I'm borrowing pet stairs from my sister tomorrow since at this stage I don't think he can even jump that high by himself and hoping he makes the decision to investigate on his own. When his brother was here I would catch them up there when they thought no humans were around but Wally thought it was

Serious question for those of you who have bunnies who hang out on the couch and stuff. How did you train them to do that? I've always had to hang out with mine on the floor but I want to try to teach Ben since he's the only bunny now.

Cough cough...real police are barely held to any standards at all. We deserve better from them too.

Me checking the mail: Eeeeeeee my ballot is here!

Me opening my ballot: ahhhhh it's a school levy when do I get to vote to fuck shit up?

I wouldn't want to eat either one.

First Draft: Chuck Schumer's Gotta Go Mehdi on why the Senate minority leader is the wrong leader for this moment, when it comes to both Trump and Israel. Plus: can the new ceasefire in Lebanon hold? And what's happening over in Gaza?

"How can Democrats claim to be the party of change, going into the November midterms and then 2028, if they’re led by someone who always resists it?"

My case for the Dems chucking out Chuck Schumer, especially after his recent arms-to-Israel vote:

She has an appointment at 2:30. She isn't bonded with Ben but they're good friends so he's going to go with and see her body. I'm very sad to lose her but she's hiding in a corner right now. It's time 😭