*extends tongs holding a steaming warm towel* how was your skeeball, darling

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?

Me: Can it be anything

Executioner: Yes

Me: I would like to eat an Airbus A380

my ottoman is a basket of folded laundry

I’m a people person, but only in the sense that five smaller people Voltron together to form me.

[to “Call Me Maybe”]

BUFFALO BILL (from Silence of the Lambs):
🎶 I threw a girl in a well
🎶 Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
🎶 Now she’s frightened as hell
🎶 I won’t call her by her name
🎶 Refer to her as “It”
🎶 I checked to make sure she’d fit
🎶 I’ll starve her a little bit
🎶 And get her skin my way!

Everybody, get high.
Everybody, get low.
These are the days when anything goes.

Jason, from Hell. ¿Es verdad?

Seasonal Affective Durrhurrhurr *starts sobbing*

[shampoo commercial]

MAN: *scrubbing hair* Hey, it’s tingling!

ME: That means it’s working.

MAN: Now it’s kind of tickling.

ME: That means it’s playing.

MAN: Now it’s trying to smother me with a pillow.

ME: Shh… just go to sleep… let the shampoo do its work.

My favourite book is The Bible because the same thing happened to me

Just use the q-tip in your ear. God doesn’t care about us.

(watching his casket being lowered into the ground) I can change him

This meeting could’ve been a back rub.

*watching her grind her exes bones to make her bread* I can save her

I’ve thumbed through a bunch of books claiming to prove the existence of god yet not a one has an angel autopsy photo.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework!

ME: Who, me?! *whistles then explodes*

Quoth the raven: chillax dawg.

-Edgar Allen Bro.

My dog is the least inscrutable being to ever live *looks at my dog, scrutes him immediately* he wants my ham salad

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream,
For ice cream!

We continue to scream.
The ice cream man is getting worried.
He scrambles desperately to placate us, but our screams will not be silenced.
The yawning void in the pit of our collective being howls ceaselessly for frozen treats.

Leave some room in your mind for the cosmic frog to relax in

🎶 Hello, Daddums!
🎶 Hello, Mumsy
🎶 Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch
🎶 Cherry Bumsy!

Gonna be throwing candy off my condo balcony like a benevolent emperor

Teen Jesus: I hope Santa brings me a puppy for Christmas!

Mary (to Joseph): It's time we told him

Joseph: (sighing) Son?

Teen Jesus: Yes, dad?

Joseph: You're not real

drinking coffee out of a margarita glass because fuck the rules

FRIEND: I tried to read The Bible once, but I couldn’t do it.

ME: It is a bit of a slog. There’s so much world-building in it.

My seduction technique is to show you the various scars I’ve collected from trying to out-pizza The Hut.