THERAPIST [dad]: Hi ‘struggling’ I’m Dad.

LIFE COACH: *flips catan board* never settle

I’d like to be ahead for once so I can quit while I’m there.

INVENTOR OF CLAPPING: fuck you other hand

you’re telling me this king is made of burgers

saying “i could pee” like “i could eat”

Let’s see how these diners react when we tell them they’re actually eating Domino’s new line of human meat.

Thanks JR!

a sequel to The Nice Guys (2016) would fix me

THERAPIST [bully]: *pins me to the ground* quit blaming yourself quit blaming yourself

*pumping iron at the gym*

im gonna be able to carry a conversation so good now

i'm starting to think life might be lowkey unfair

ME: and then when I was 12 my parents buried my pet George alive

THERAPIST: *learning his lesson* was George also a rock

parking lot's a stupid ass name when there are never any spaces

TEACHER: *hands back eye exam* see me

ME: *embarrassed* no

Thanks Dan!

la croix red bull

THERAPIST: *sighs* I see we’re still feeling trapped

MIME:

Aesop’s Stables: Lopsided Animal Racing

why did we even domesticate peeves

BACH: *on hold* this is my song

Hail Santa!

An illustration of a small patch of violets, with a poem above them in cursive writing: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Actually they are purple, like a violet, purple"

An illustration of a small patch of violets in the style of cross-stitch, with a poem above them in cursive writing: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Actually they are purple, like a violet, purple"

My brother @guess-what.bsky.social wrote this poem years ago. Happy Valen-times

WATCHED POT [magician]: Okay wait don’t look

[super bowl party]

ME: *whispers* the plural is feetball

A two-panel Little Bubbie Child comic. Top panel is the little bubbie child asking, "Dad, hwat was it like a livin' in the 90s?" Bottom panel is dad responding, "Sometimes you'd open a can a peanuts and they'd come snakes outta there."

[restaurant]

WAITRESS [grammar teacher]: I don’t know, CAN you order the surf and turf

ME [poor]: probably not no

ME: [cleaning, wishing I were a house] always a housemaid, never a house