I deserve a treat! Trying to decide between a pair of diamond earrings or a full gas tank

friend: *emits beam of love and light*

me: *yawns* what else you got

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, Charlie Brown

asking my “doctor” to fix me with their glowing hands

This day in history. 1561. Residents of Nuremberg witnessed a battle between two groups of extraterrestrial spacecraft in the sky coming out of the sun, I'm pretty sure, perhaps the Skwaweebees of
Skoox in pursuit of a squadron of Mubmubs from Far Vandaloo.

[me as a real estate agent]

Me: "And over here we have the whole house fan."

Buyer: "What's that do?"

Me: "Well, I'll show you" [turns fan on]

Fan: "THIS HOUSE IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE! HOLY SHIT!"

Stacy, your mother and I are in love

Trying to be friendlier by being awake less.

Why do they call it a "restroom" when it's where I practice karate

Thought it would be cool to teach gremlins about Jesus but things took a turn during the baptism

normalize excusing yourself from various situations by saying “i hate this”

A car company named FART.

Have you seen the new FART?

woke pope too busy pushin p to care about your hot goss

screenshot of trickykat’s screen time average last week. it is a cyan bar chart showing a daily average of 21h51m. gdi.

uhhhh what?

to those who have muted me, I say this:

HAHAHA SUCKERS I CAN SAY ANYTHING I WANT HERE AND YOU WON'T SEE IT! just kidding i love you anyway and i respect your choices

Putting my arm pits in soil to try and grow more arms.

my followers are all real but i'm not and neither is time or colors

brilliant

I ask myself that question every day (sometimes twice)

the boofing buttholes should be the name of a sports team

remember when hacking was just hanging out and destroying corporations with jonny lee miller and angelina jolie

Brainstorm implies the existence of buttholestorm

Surprised @professorkiosk.wtf didn't come up with this one, tbh

I don’t have the eye of the tiger but I do have that toilet paper of the shoe.

Nice haunches, bro. Sleek.

Unfortunate is short for unfortunathaniel, poor fella

Niles Crane from ‘Fraiser’ in a black shirt and a black leather jacket

Nine Inch Niles

world peace is cool but have you tried general tso’s world peace it is fuckin delicious

you know you’re a night owl if 1pm is still too early for this shit

always