Happy Birthday!

People say I’m out of touch. I prefer ‘selectively grounded.’ You try staying humble when your garage is bigger than your first apartment.

It's shitstains like you that make me turn off quote posts.

*eats a peanut butter and 50 mg black cherry gummy sandwich for lunch*

Not now babe, I'm sorting my pills for the week

At my age, I trust a fart about as much as I trust a politician who says “I’m here to help.”

One wrong move and the back porch gets a new paint job nobody asked for.

That screaming toddler in Walmart because they won’t buy him a gummy snake?

That’s a mercy situation I can get behind. Not the kid. The parent who’s just standing there filming it.

In the future, medicine will fix everything except stupidity.

—And stupidity is the one thing that keeps winning elections.

You can’t spell wisdom without dumb.

The first slice is polite, the second is hunger, and the third is a religious pizza experience.

You don’t say no to God.

The world is beautiful . . . It's power that makes people ugly.

You ever watch someone drop a french fry, pick it up, look at it for three seconds, and eat it?

That’s human nature. The five-second rule isn’t science. It’s a negotiation between hunger and self-respect.

Watching someone explain why their opinion matters more than yours.

It’s funny that the sheer confidence of a man who can’t find his own car in a parking lot.

The small satisfaction of catching a typo before anyone reacts to a post.

Neighbour: Actually, that’s a wasp, not a bee.

Me: Oh, wonderful. While you’re identifying it, it’s stinging my face.

—Thanks for the clarification, Professor-Get-Off-My-Fucking-Lawn.

This guy cuts me off in traffic, then gives me the finger. Oh, I’m sorry, did my existence in the slow lane I’ve been in for four miles ruin your important trip to buy mulch?

That’s my confidence in a man who’s never been punched.

Don't judge someone by the meds they take, you may very be the reason they're taking them.

Most of my day revolves around how long it takes my meds to kick in.

👍🏻

Hey guys our popcorn has now been “blessed” by the Pope.

Enjoy.

Front of a small pastry shop in Sofia, Bulgaria. It's painted bright pink and goes by the name Glory Hole Donuts.

I'd rather diet

Forbidden

I have the same issue with the wife.

Or Boston Cream.

You know what's cool about technology? The fact that your kids who are hundreds of miles away can still interrupt you having sex.

Meteorologists are the biggest gaslighters

Sledgehammer? 😳

Where is PAWIC?

😂👍🏻👍🏻

Once you hit 60 doesn’t matter if it’s just a sip of water. Like clockwork 3am. 🫪

I assume it's hard to criticize anyone who gives you millions of dollars. But it's never been a dilemma I've had to deal with.