I’m a marked man.

I need an APB put out for the silverfish I captured under a glass before my shower. It somehow escaped custody during said shower. It is considered multi-armed and extremely icky.

Hey, I’m maturin’ here

JRR Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings as a side project while brainstorming a list of cool names for defense contractors

Yeah, because the only musician with a big enough neck is Henry Rollins and he’s not in the Mountain Goats…yet

These are easy roasted
They’ll get a hold on you, bean-lieve it

Happy 4/20.

But Jacob didn’t have to wear a dumb little hat. Advantage: humans

"you know who ELSE has had nails driven through his hands and feet?" - clumsy contractor trying to bond with his christian stepchildren

Grogu got in the trash and ate some chocolate and he died

And after this Tom and Ben put all their cards on the table and just wrote Herbie: Fully Loaded

Homer Simpson is a gunwielding senator, and Marge is go-go dancing for him

A Colonel Sanders that looks suspiciously like Reba McEntire. But that would be silly

I dunno Ace, he kinda does it for me like this

Can I have help getting food
I haven’t eaten lunch or dinner or breakfast and am hungry

Remembering for no particular reason that Harlan Ellison refused to use a computer because keyboards had dollar signs but no cents symbol. Shine on you belligerent diamond

Fittingly, a white flag that no one can read unless you pull it out and wave it in defeat

Let’s look beyond menus. I can’t be the only one who thinks the truck market would be irrevocably cornered by the Ford Big Breakfast

The short people started wearing tall boots. Stacks. Taller and taller. Then stilts. Soon the tall people were the short people. They got boots too. Then stilts. Taller and taller stilts. It was a legs arms race. At first ceiling fans were the leading cause of death but that was overtaken by hypoxia

Nah, we’d have a lot more jeering

Bean the album

Happy Record Store Day!

Except:
-if you didn’t want the album you could delete it from your device
-introduction of the album didn’t make anything else demonstrably worse
-your job wasnt at risk if you refused to listen to it
It was a marketing gimmick that blew up and was apologized for. Its a ridiculous comparison

*”Bill Nye the Science Guy” voice*

Norman Fell? Is he okay?

Oh I suppose you’d prefer they were helicopter parents

from a Reddit thread called “best movie cameo performances”

It truly is the end of the American century

the nonbinary rapper who frequently gets misgendered as a man: Mx. Sir-a-Lot

Vonnegut: 1965

Every time I think your dad can’t sink lower he proves me wrong