"What's the longest you've ever contemplated which end of the pickle is its butt before you took a bite? Did you eat it? If so, first or last?"
"That presumes I don't eat it sideways like a civilized person."
"..."

stilted gait of speech that comes from being socialized by AI chatbots

Why do the directions on frozen foods specify "conventional ovens"? What if my oven reads in °K? Or has a ferris wheel of roasting pans facing a massive red hot flatiron? What do you say then, Sir Gorton's Fisherman?

"...more slippery than a buttered dildo..."

I'd love to be in conversation with myself some time. I got questions for that guy.

I don't even like graham crackers, but if you shape them sumbitches as teddy bears or bunnies I am so fucking in.

I think almonds ruin the texture of a trail mix.

Perhaps I should preemptively apologize for this, but I thought it and I need to get it out of my brain.

Aesthetically Pleasing Poop

The best thing about listening to video game music in your headphones is that vast swaths of your life now feel like side quests and score chases.

Old dude just stopped me on the Ave near where I live and said "Good Morning, Santa."

Day: Made

I had some poetry, once upon a sometime, but I seem to have misplaced it, I hope I still have it in me, somewhere

I know, I know. Never too late to start. Curse you, executive dysfunction. Curse you.

Doogie Howser MD had 9 year old me fantasizing about having a computer and journaling nightly. 46 year old me wishes I had made that reality.

If everything can be described as deriving from some sort of sub atomic movement (big If, I know), then isn't the world really just all vibes?

Dr LinkedIn and Mr Tumblr would be a great Chuck Tingle title.

Fix impotence quickly and easily with PEST (peritoneal electro shock treatment).

Every Mario game since the introduction of Bowser Jr should've had an ending in which the little guy cries at his dad's grave.

I'm so glad Bad Bunny won the Superbowl last night by hosting a wedding during the half time show.

I believe, from the bottom of my heart to the summit of my skull, with every fiber of my being, that toilets above a certain height should have squatty potty steps built-in.

can't feel, heart will eat me; can't feel, heart will eat me; can't feel, heart will eat me; can't feel, heart will eat me

Sometimes I like watching the download and install progress bars do their thing on my PlayStation more than actually playing games on it.

What is life, if not death with an exterior designer?

Sometimes I think the universe ended aeons ago, but we're in such a backwater of a galaxy no one bothered to tell us.

I very often (read: always) miss the folks I knew before, but wonder if I've been absent too long to be recognizable to them. If you see this, I love y'all, and I'm sorry I couldn't be around to show it.

imagine life
without gravity's expectations
holding you down

Sometimes it feels like all my socializing is para(social).

Watching Pixels with the fam right now, and they just teleported to the mother shop for the final battle. The voxel deconstruction looks like it feels so good. I bet that would fix me.

Well, aren't you just the prettiest thing in the abattoir?

...and other compliments that deserve air quotes

Well, aren't you just the best ham in the airport?

morass of melancholic miasma