Forgot the word for goats so I told my daughter to look out the car at all the smooth sheep

My health insurance premiums are now higher than my mortgage payment

You will be driving a Hyundai Tucson I will not be taking any questions.

why do you care if I have a thing for wardrobes that hold entire universes within them it’s narnia business

You’ll have to excuse my friend—she never learned the vosotros

Can someone remind me what the temporal lobe does? I keep forgetting

I’ve taken care of the whole yard with just clippers, a rake, and a broom. Nary a leaf blower in sight. I pause, sweating.

Cate Blanchett walks by and give me a slight nod.

It’s all been worth it.

I Don’t Know What That Was but It Belongs to the Vacuum Cleaner Now: a Memoir

[talking loudly on phone near a group of mosquitoes] yeah doctor said i got a bad case of stink blood, blood that tastes like stink

a lot more of you should have imposter syndrome

dad (looking out the window at the apocalypse): really comin down out there

sorry I talked shit about joy division on fathers day

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

[desperate for someone to play with my hair] can you check my head for lice

Think about how many fecal samples are in the mail with all of your mail waiting to be sorted

The good thing about breakfast at 10:30 is lunch starts right away after

Leave my cat alone. That is her emotional support tampon!

Photo of a bunch of 80s hair metal guys with giant hair

We used to be a proper country

a hotdog in the hand is worth way more than two in the bush. no bush hotdogs for me thanks

Will I be able to follow Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus if I didn’t read the antique Prometheus?

There has never, in the history of the universe, been anything more centered than the back of this check

I keep checking my email like I’m going to get a good one

drag queens have nothing on my 14 year old daughter after a trip to sephora

Less, actually. That gal looks whimsical

If I were in a car chase I would immediately lose the car I was chasing

I simply do not know what kind of car that is

gaslighting myself into believing I do have an unpaid toll

they make professional espresso machines for the home but I want a professional hot dog roller machine

licking the beaters but it’s deviled eggs

person: so what motivates you to keep going every day

me: (zero hesitation) have you ever met a cat or a dog