Being in physical pain is exhausting

What doesn't kill you, make you darkly sarcastic.

It's okay WiFi connection, I'm unstable too.

So is this place still good enough to scream in to the void?

Doggy style so you can see my anus smiling.

I've made it from the bed to the couch......

I'm ready to seize the day now

I have gas, grass and ass. I cannot be stopped.

I used to manage a dildo factory.

We had a lot of trouble with female squatters.

Handjob them to completion, but the load is millions of little bananas, & Donkey Kong appears.

*distant sounds of the Super Mario Party theme*

Rich people lie. How do you think they got there hmmm

I go to wine tastings and spit it into the air like Triple H

My trick is to make my indoor clothes also my outdoor clothes.

I think I'm over this being human thing

I'm a big advocate for not getting involved in anything that requires wearing 'outside' clothes.

You can always count on me to be openly honest about my stupidity.

Good morning.

Don’t say it back.

I ate bran flakes today so my gut health better be on point for the next two weeks

You can identify as a stegosaurus for all I care but do not try and pass off cauliflower as fucking rice

Jumping to conclusions? With these knees?

Me, to my pillow: did you cum?

I'm old, but not rinsing a Ziplock plastic bag to reuse it later because it wasn't that dirty, old.

relationship status: sending myself nudes

Not to brag but all my nudes involve food.

Is that a ham in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Amazing news. Congratulations ❤️

Some people look so much better wearing sunglasses.

Others, ski masks.

Make it look like you're bobbing for apples while you're down there.

I've been single for so long that my type isn't even my type anymore