filling your vodka bottles with Crystal Pepsi

Home is where the snacks are.

Painting my honey lid green, sticking a straw in it, and selling it on eBay.
Anyone else?

Bearista-gate

Sorry I haven’t been on lately. I was busy trying to open a produce bag for my apples

her: have you been moisturizing?

me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

Class up your kegger by calling it a soirée.

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

I shower daily, rinse well, take care to make sure my hygiene is good throughout the day etc… So why after my shower just now is my asshole like mad fuckin itchy?

Hey, can I talk to your dog for a minute?

If you're driving on the sidewalk, does it still count as road rage?

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe it's functional alcoholism.

There are men whose loyalty to their SPOUSE doesn’t hold a candle to my husband’s loyalty to his barber.

I miss the days when we blamed gluten for everything and not lifesaving medicine.

Convinced my ex to get bangs before we broke up so that I’d find someone new first.

I can't do another three years of this shit

This year has flown by like a passing kidney stone.

Marriage is nice because you can tell all your hopes and dreams to someone who will stand by you while you continue to achieve none of them

get in loser, we’re ignoring pumpkin-spice princess season

Me: Your profile said you had a piercing.

Her: That’s a typo. It’s supposed to say “piercing scream.”

Allow me to overthink that for you

I took a picture, but it wasn't a selfie. Is there a word for that? A "someone elsie"?

No one wants proof of life, btw

a cartoon of spongebob standing in front of a window with his hands in the air ALT: a cartoon of spongebob standing in front of a window with his hands in the air

Median monthly rent in Florida has risen by 40% since 2019. Median household income has only increased by 2.9% in that same time period.

BREAKING: trump is revealed to be an incredibly detailed, life-size hand puppet (that’s why every photo op someone has their hand behind his back). no word yet on how long he’s been that way

Sorry I hugged you when you told me to embrace my mistakes.

Every time I press reset password another brain cell gets its wings.

*my first day as a hoarse-whisperer*

wife: that’ll teach you for shouting at the kids all the time

not needing to be fixed would fix me