My baby gets queen treatment. Taking a bath with a snack. Living the dream.

Ever since I told Ethan that I mess with him on purpose because his reactions are funny he’s been telling me he didn’t make enough coffee in the morning for the both of us because he “knew I didn’t want any”. Evil. Evil. Evil!

Wanted to keep her cool like Walt Disney

My daughter is actually LITERALLY the coolest person on this planet.

I love being a mom.

Thinking about when I was touring an apartment and the landlord brought their dog and the dog just shitted in the living room. Nobody said anything. That tenant came home to random dog shit on the floor. Life is a comedy.

Earth appears as a hemisphere against the blackness of space.

there is no plan(et) b.

“Horoscopes are made up” yeah and so are religions Idc lol

My horoscope can say literally anything and it’s accurate. Sorry you use a shitty app for yours and it’s not accurate?

Astrology is real. If you don’t believe you are simply a hater 🤷‍♀️

And the “excuse” that he’s autistic makes it worse. Having autism doesn’t make your child immune to consequences. Ridiculous.

I do not claim to be the best parent in the world but if you allow your child to do whatever they please including throwing objects and snatching things out of other toddlers hands- you’re a bad parent and should not have anymore kids. Apathetic parents are the absolute worst.

Literally my kid is cool af like I don’t even know why or how I got a cool kid but she is just wayyyyy too cool.

Did cavewomen have constant UTIs?

Before I had a kid I felt like people always thought I was younger but now that I have a kid I’m the oldest mother effing lady on the planet. Ma’am lookin ass.

My cat and I were babies together. Literally any other cat I would get would not have grown up with me like ew not interested.

I’ll probably be too depressed to ever get another cat when my cat dies which makes me almost sadder that she’ll be my one and only cat in life 😭😭😭

Patient said they were regular when I asked how they were. Love it.

I never thought I would have an addiction problem but today I only had one and a half cups of coffee this morning and I am just 🥲🫠 #dead #fiending #somillennialcoded

My office switched to playing Pitbull’s globalization sxm channel. Everyone loves it. So much joy all around.

Stepped on a nail. Right on the Guch of my toe. #prayforme #tetanuscantgetme #vaccinated

I’m a dental hygienist who hates spit. AMA.

Left my phone at home all day so I was just rawdogging life. Listened to npr in the car. No wonder the 90s were such a great time to be alive.

“This road is really bumpy 😩”

Told my toddler she has to clean up her toys in the living room to watch Elmo and she just started playing with them instead. #parentingpro

Love having unlimited access to information at my fingertips but also hate having unlimited access to information at my fingertips. So much easier to be an ignorant dumb hoe.

If I send a Snapchat and you reply more than 20 minutes later… I don’t even know who that bitch was. I’m a different person. I’ve grown.

Thinking about how I used to be a bad bitch 😔

Controversial opinion: if you use AI you’s a bitch