Hey do you wanna come over and listen to me tell my dog to stop barking for 45 mins straight?? Lmk

I should absolutely not eat this carrot cake in one sitting.

BUT I SHALL.

"Would you smack your best friend for $10k?"

Hell yeah...and that bitch better slap me back so now we have $20k.

Of course cats don't like the sound of vacuums but neither do crumbs.

Me: Why are your mashed potatoes SO good? Let me watch what you do.
Him: [adds five times more butter than I do]

what's found in my drafts folder stays in my drafts folder

I remember the days you could ride piggyback with your bf in drive thru and order food.

by artist JB Cornish

The first and most important step when using an oven is to preheat all the pans you store in there to 425.

Not now babe, I'm sorting my pills for the week

might start saying the p in receipt

The energy between us is orange cat.

[opens top drawer and pulls out a shiny new pair]

anybody need a sniff?

thanks again, @jollyrobber.bsky.social and thank you for grabulosing my ass skeet Shitposts In Tiaras ☺️❤️

200 notifications but not the one you want

My blood type is og kush

I promise to be sane today. If I do anything crazy, the clowns will make eat sugar-free cookies while drinking decaf coffee.

I had a weird dream where I was suddenly elected as Florida's newest senator, and DC was nothing but drinking and sex parties inside The Capitol.

have any of you seen my phone

some people live paycheck to paycheck. i live blunt to blunt

i wish my body worked like an iPhone and told me exactly how long i need to charge until im at 80%

finally starting to feel like me again. my condolences to you all

I can stand my ground against any pretty please. It’s when they put the cherries on top that I become powerless

it’s ok saltine, i too am a toasted cracker

*hearing kids screaming in horror in the distance* ahh, they grow up so fast

Groomed into feeling I don’t matter, grew into knowing that I do.

Looks like butter wouldn’t melt, would burn the house down in a heartbeat.

She's a team player. Especially at gangbangs.

please clap

#Cat
#Caturday