Happy Easter😊

The past is trending again and not in a fun way.

That time of year when we welcome the new year… only to curse it in 6 months.

It’s okay to not be okay with not being okay. Nobody’s okay, okay?

My plant is still dying despite all the love and water I gave it. So now I’m watering myself with wine and feeding my soul with cheese. Let’s see who thrives.

What’s wrong with people who actually reach out after you said “feel free to reach out if you need anything”?

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

I think they need a vaccine that makes people with little brain power more empathetic

If a genie asks you to choose between true love and free daily pizza, what kind of cheese are you getting on it?

Living my best life by being sarcastic as fuck.

I can rise but the shine part takes a little longer.

Hey…what’s happening

Doctors don't follow people around and hit them with a stick when they're dumb anymore, and I think it's sad.

Eternal damnation is reserved for people who ruin jokes online.

Some days I need a stunt double to get through these days

Currently in a toxic relationship with my fridge. I keep going back, full of hope. It lights up, but it's cold and empty inside.

Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.

We all have that one stupid song.
We know it’ll hurt.
We don't want to hurt.
We hit play anyway.

Happy Birthday!!🎂🎊

I’m not obsessed with food. It's just literally the only stable thing in my life, for fuck’s cake.

Not being popular on social media is great.

Constant excellence is exhausting. I just want to be average in peace now.

Screaming “just find food!” at survival show contestants while I’m in AC, eating chips, getting a foot rub.

My family has been torn apart by a crippling whipped cream addiction.

"Girls don’t want diamonds, they want respect.”
Actually, we want both. With fries, extra cheese and a beer to go.

The hardest things to see can be right in front of you..

I do have abs. They're just introverts.