logging into this account is so bittersweet. i still relate to mark but it feels strange keeping his as my icon given the circumstances. i don’t know man

i consistently represent the metaphorical guys in my head as dogs but in his case (i call him wolfie) is a sheep! so he's a sheep leading a flock of dogs. i thought that was fun

thinking

“at least you weren’t raped or molested” at this rate i almost wish i was so you would take me the slightest fucking bit seriously but even then i’m sure you’d find a way to tell me to get over it anyway

sometimes in my mind palace this guy manifests as wolfgang instead of hershel. and sometimes it’s a combination of the two. my voice of reason who kins two different characters who are both a well meaning gentleman wifeguy that is unfortunately a massive hypocrite

(inhaling thru my teeth really hard) fed is better than hungry fed is better than hungry fed is better than hungry

one moment i’ll be like “yay i love to eat a yummy meal. gotta get that nutrition” and the next i’ll be like “i have to stop eating for the next week and become thinner or i’ll fucking die”

brain feels like a soup of ingredients that don’t make sense together

i relapsed and it wasnt even satisfying to do. like sure it was easy to clean but i expected more out of it

within a literal second of posting this a blank nsfw acc liked it. fuck off pornbot

boy oh boy is it fucking bad

you’re going to eat chicken tenders for lunch and you’re gonna like it you mopey son of a bitch

constantly swapping between wanting to eat a yummy meal and feeling immense shame and guilt and dysmorphia for wanting to eat

aaaaoooouuuurrrrrggghhhhh

i started keeping a diary on my computer of every day i did it. i don’t remember exactly what i wrote in it but it was very much fueled by self loathing. i ended up deleting the whole thing as soon as the people around me started to care too much

my identity feels like a revolving door, in a way. sometimes it’s completely still for awhile and then suddenly rapidly shifting and spinning and i have a completely different sense of self. either that or i’m just making all this shit up. ughhhhh

back in august 2023 there was a week where i’d refused to eat anything and i ended up losing like ten pounds so i know it’s possible to go back

knowing how much weight i’ve put on in the past year has been making me feel sick. a lot of the time it makes me want to not eat at all

do you regret what you did to me. i know it’s useless for me to but i hope it never leaves the back of your mind. i hope it haunts you every day for the rest of your life. i hope that burden outweighs the one you forced upon me as a child ten times over

little guy doodles

i fucking hate you. i miss you

it's kind of taken me til recently to realize how strange it was for me to put that much effort into a (sort of) fake online presence

ironically, i drew myself wearing a mask. a mask on top of a mask i already made for myself. it's not the first time i've constructed a persona because i wanted others to see me a certain way.

come to think of i this was around the time i was starting to realize how scary of a situation i was in.

for this entirely hypothetical scenario i constructed an entire blog separate from my pre existing internet presence with a fabricated/idealized version of myself at the time. i hid my name, and used "any" pronouns instead of he/him. i even created an alternate version of comet named pluto.

i looked at my old tumblr i made back when i was starting out at college bc i was worried as an art student someone mightve asked me for my tumblr.

works like a charm

that one post about being bi but its like “i think i might have a dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that right now”

every couple of weeks i go into a depressive spiral about how i'm pathetic and worthless and unworthy of love from others and it feels like it always ends the same way

i keep having very unhappy thoughts about myself

i want to isolate myself! i think i deserve it