In the room the women come and go,
Asking what time is the Superbo

We were never able to write a second hit because of dei

Bless the toucan and His cereal. Bless the frooting and looping of Him. May His breakfast cleanse the world. May He keep the world for His people.

I’m only a failure by human standards. if I was a children’s book badger in an apron I’d be like “whoa this house is massive, and I own so many cheeses and jams.”

[people get mad at me after I declare martial law] okay fine we don’t need to do it. No no. Forget the whole thing. No. You’ve ruined it now.

Please do not call things "pathetic" to mean they are bad or uncool. This usage is harmful to Victorian orphans who are dying in a delirious fever in the arms of their long-lost grandfather after wandering lost all night in the greatest blizzard England has ever seen.

San Antonio is the opposite of NYC. If you can't make it here, you're screwed.

the opening of Wuthering Heights makes it seem like the story will mostly be about how terrible dogs are when you visit someone’s house

my high school Russian teacher used to lavishly praise my accent which always reminded me that my dad was her lawyer

a couple centuries ago you could gather a crowd by describing an unusual cow but now the story of how your dad was maybe connected to a string of unsolved murders in the 70s is like, ugh not this again

in my rough beast era. slouchmaxxing. bethlehempilled

Had to google "are beans meat" to prove a point to a child. Now I'm on a watchlist for morons

When you meet a group of people and someone says "there will be a test on this later", that person must be destroyed. They are a direct threat to your status as 'the funny one'.

Deism seems especially weird when the main thing now is believing in an irrational creator less universe that takes an interest in me personally

I’ll say it: 22 years of post-9/11 airline security restrictions is more than enough. It’s time to let people hijack planes again

photo of a baby onesie designed to make an infant look like a football

"throw my baby as far as you can"

forbidden kleenexes

This is the final weekend of the year to take a wistful walk upon the beach in white flannel trousers

Friday Kahlo, showing teeth as she laughs, in a photo (from about 1952)

You see a photograph of Frida Kahlo laughing and realise you've reached the end of the internet