*reading a book to my daughter’s class*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, {i look up, shaking my head} because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
CHIROPRACTOR: (checking chart) Has anyone ever tried twisting your head off?
DETECTIVE: We have an eye witness that spotted you in the crowd.
WALDO: (puts out cigarette) I think we both know you don’t.
I don't normally ask much of my followers but I need you all to come to my secluded mansion this evening to participate in a most delicious game
neil armstrong, stepping on the moon: & here we are on planet moon.
houston: the moon’s not a planet, neil. uh, do you have the speech we wrote for you?
neil armstrong: okay, get me off this planet, fellas. let’s go home.
houston: neil, the speech-
neil: is this the eject button?
mostly about. we collaborated on some poems but that’s another book.
one time our priest had some schedule-one holy water that’s only supposed to be used to anoint cruise ships & space shuttles flown in from the vatican & he used it to bless my grandma’s cat & the cat immediately turned into a dog.
The thing I hate about Uber is that you can’t just tell them to "follow that car"
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
phht. every action hero digs out a bullet. show me one digging out an ingrown toenail
*jesus finishes turning a jug of water into wine as one of his disciples gently puts a hand on his shoulder*
you know it's only 7 am, right?
one time i ate a ghost pepper that was so hot i blacked out & three days later when i woke up i was riding a ferris wheel at a carnival.
*speaking to my daughter’s class on career day*
interesting fact they probably won’t teach you in school, sharks can smell a drop of drakkar noir from 3,000 miles away. anyway, our sun is slowly dying & most of us will never know peace in our lifetimes.
oh nothing, just sitting here thinking about the time my wife derailed my philosophical north star when she accidentally put my copy of jonathan livingston seagull in the neighborhood little free library.
I don’t just clap when the plane lands, I clap the entire flight.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Cursed idols are always ancient. You never see a cursed idol from like 2015. We need to restart cursed idol production for the benefit of future generations
me, finally breaking the twenty five minutes of pure silence at the dinner table as my wife stares at the ‘fortune favors the brave’ tattoo on my forehead: to tell you the truth, i don’t even notice it anymore.
*a squirrel in his cozy little nest, reading a candy bar wrapper like it was the evening paper, looks up at his wife*
have we ever had any money?
[waiting for the barista to say my name for the second before removing an earbud] sorry I couldn’t hear you over my book that takes place in the 1300’s
If cats had fingers they would 100% be flipping you off all the time
MY LAWYER: so you’re saying he hit you in the eye
ME: that’s right
MY LAWYER: and it was like a big pizza pie?
ME: it was
MY LAWYER: no more questions your honor
MOON: *frantically whispers in his lawyers ear*
*me and Beethoven sitting across from one another at a wooden table*
-Beethoven: What? (in German)
-me: What?
-Beethoven: Huh? (in German)
-me: What?
Khaki pants are good for plotting or standing but not much else.
I hate this martini but I’m going to drink it.
New haircut says "happy cyborg" and it's working out better than I thought.
thank you, my friend. 🙏
my village has a cloud storage center where you bring whatever you want to save & they’ll put it in a large pit, light it on fire & it all goes up in the air into a giant cloud.