I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake By A Horse Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me is hay and oats. But I am thinking it would be nice to have a different food. I am thinking I would like to try cake. Yes, yes. Cake. I know all about it. When humans eat cake, it is in glad times. It is the food for a celebration, such as when a woman becomes 47. I have seen cake on the Fourth of July. When humans have a cake, they stand around it and clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other. Sometimes there are beautiful markings on a cake, such as balloons or a pink shape. Sometimes the top of a cake is on fire and a boy must blow on the fire with mouth wind. This is the scariest cake. I do not want this kind. But I will eat any other cake. Any cake that is not the fire cake that tries to kill the boy. Please understand: I do not get money for doing work. I do not get to go inside the house. All I am either doing my horse job or standing in my pen or eating food off the floor. I always do these things. But I have never once gotten cake and I would like it very much. I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children. I am more helpful to the farm. Children do not move the heavy things like me or let anyone ride on them. And yet they get cake. Maybe the humans will realize this. Maybe they will say, "You know who deserves cake? That horse. That horse whose back we are always on." Every day I dream about what it will be like if I get to eat cake. Here is what will happen. First, I will walk to the cake and putt my nose at it like hrrfff to make and stomping my hooves to make sure it is not a snake. Then I will trot in a circle to show that I am a horse and I am large. After that, I will nuzzle the cake to …

The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me.

It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."

saying on my death bed "i wish i had generated more data that was sold to third party data brokers and then on to law enforcement, FBI, ICE, and AI companies"

the only thing more insufferable than a nonreader is someone who reads too much. followed closely by someone who reads a moderate amount

Phone AI ad: 'if your friend texts you a question shouldn't your phone just...answer?'
Me: NO, because that's fucking creepy and my friends deserve genuine human attention from me jesus fucking christ.

these guys love to say "existential threat". you can go years, even a decade without hearing those two words uttered in sequence, and then suddenly their war-dicks get piqued to visible erection and they keep saying "existential threat" in a low mumbling roar as they crank it all over the media

things every single republican president of your lifetime has done

- started a war in the middle east
- completely destroyed the economy

[guy who sang baby beluga] the festering belly is splitting, each half digested soul fumbling for a knife

cant.stop.laughing

I had another dream This one was about the existence of a show on HGTV named Bitch House. The host was a man who appeared to have been a werewolf college student dragged off some Florida beach during spring break, poured into a suit, and shoved in front of a camera. He wore giant sunglasses every episode. There was no explanation. Every episode was the same. He would show up and tour somebody's house while they talked it up: how much they paid for it, square footage, time to the highway, backyard, last renovated in xxxx, bedrooms, bathrooms, home office, new roof, everything. They would be touring the house the whole time, just like any normal HGTV show. Then they would gather back out in front of the house and there was a really tense moment where he would tell you if your house was a bitch house or not. It not, he would just kinda shake their hands and thank them for the tour and walk away. Otherwise, he would turn to the camera and scream "BITCH HOOOOOOOOUSE" at the top of his lung

This is approximately what it Looked Like, in 10-minute photoshop format HGTV courtesy(?) of the party rock anthem guy (plz don't sue me)

Sloptimism

AI boom could falter without wider adoption, Microsoft chief Satya Nadella warns Big tech boss tells delegates at Davos that broader global use is essential if technology is to deliver lasting growth

I was present for the birth of the web, the explosion of personal sites, and the blogging revolution, and you know what we never had to do? Beg people to use our shit.

also after a bad experience with ipads (literally acting like a junkie needing to score) we got rid of it and he's been SO much better since

sorry forgot to reply! he's 7. a lot of his friends have 0 screen time limits and are absolutely soaking in games, but i kinda rationalize it by allowing him to do that if he's at their houses and not worrying about it. some of his friends have tried to convince me to ease up on the limits

i don't know lmao. he's now at an age where he reads a lot so i think that's the only way. pre-reading, it was survival mode and much worse

we typically have around that amount per week, not per day, and it's incredibly difficult but yes we do it

noooooooooooooo
that way lies madness
galaxy brain meme where the final galaxy brain is just FL Studio in a web browser

Glad the criterion restored this scene to Kubrick’s original intention

yes, that probably was me! i'm glad it helped haha. it's a rule i've occasionally broken, but i'm currently down to one rack and mostly neglect it in favor of trackers, so i think i'm doing ok

if this is the name of your bakery, the label for your bread should contain some esoteric history from your ruined kingdom, as a baseline

KOKO THE GORILLA: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag
RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag.
KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla
RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense.
KOKO: jealousy professor

PSA: Our roadmap for 2026:

pitcher56 - your name 【Official Lyric Video】 YouTube video by Pitcher56

new Pitcher56 for the first time in 17 years youtu.be/pFslhjoqr1A?...

guided by volcels

all hobbies, when shared and discussed in a community, eventually get reduced to the same obsessive collecting and object fetishization and all of them speak to the same kind of consumer frenzy and sickness. i'm sick of it

[browsing a synthesizer subreddit] what the hell, some of these people have 100 synthesizers
[browsing a cassette tapes subreddit] what the hell, some of these people have 100 cassette players
[browsing a handheld gaming subreddit] what the hell, some of these people have 100 handheld consoles
etc

I made a joke in my main Discord server about DOOM E1M1 being in a major key and @abigbagofkeys.sickonedude.com actually made it. Jesus fucking Christ listen to this hahahaha

this is literally never not accurate

STOP THE PRESSES.

The ROM for the unreleased Famicom RPG Splatter World has been released (in a thread on 4chan, of all places). I've tried it myself, and it does seem to be genuine. If it's a fake, it's a damn good one.

Expect (more) coverage on West Mansion soon.

@hg101.bsky.social