Put a film on. Tell yourself you really want to watch it. You'll be asleep before the opening credits finish

Sorry, thinking about you keeps me awake most nights so I thought I'd get you back

Said that in a John Wayne voice

Of course we have depression, we're surrounded by mfers who can't eat quietly

Tbf he did have his fingers in his ears whilst repeatedly shouting "Ner ner ner I'm not listening" when the person came to tell him the news

Did they mistakenly email you instead of Starmer?

My TL wasn't filled with 'My first day as ... at Bluesky is going well' jokes and that means I'm following the right people

A racist white man?

Just regularly swap legs over by unattaching and reattaching at the hip. Sometimes I think you deliberately post easily solvable problems for engagement bait/clout

😆

Working without distractions like in the old times

I'm not sure if this is a joke or an actual possible idea

F me is he still at. I'm surprised he hasn't got a Patreon. Shameless to ask for money for doing absolutely nothing

😆

F me David Haye you're still talking 🤦
Your Agent and partner need you to shut up now #ImaCeleb

Time to update my LinkedIn status I guess:
What the fall of the Orban govt has taught me about digital marketing and Search Engine Optimisation

Universal Soldier has just started on ITV4 if anyone wants some classic (mostly) enjoyable trash to watch to end this weekend

You need a 'foreigner' in the background running away with your wheels saying "Thanks Sadiq Khan"

23 reeks?? Bit harsh.

Tbh I haven't been tempted to try one. I just think why take a chance on something when there are 2 perfectly acceptable versions already

Well that was a pile of shit. Great way to start the weekend, thanks #Arsenal I hate everything about this weekend now

Oh seriously now 🤷
What the hell #Arsenal 🤦

Oh the Artemis II crew are back already. Sorry guys the world is still shit, if not shitter. Anyway, have fun going through your emails, people always ignore the out of office notice

FFS #Arsenal

Only if it's armed

I'm imagining you bowling down the street pushing men over whenever you meet them. Crossing over if you see one on the other side. No man is safe

After watching a few Nina Conti videos my algorithm keeps suggesting new ones. This is not a bad thing and I am not complaining. She is hilarious and a much needed laugh rn

I'm really glad I watched Project Hail Mary when I did. If I had waited and seen everyone gushing about how good it is, all the promos saying how much fun the cast had together, I would've avoided it

Wow. The unmelted cheese on the beans I can allow as who can be arsed with the hassle of turning a grill on. The whole deconstructed nature of the dish, I put down to you watching a lot of MasterChef, but it's called 'Beans on Toast'. Toast is a very important part of the whole concept

Getting propositioned by an Android gigolo. "Hey, I have advanced biodata. Would you like some inside of you?"