Saturday Night Fever Dream (the trees have organs and the knives have feelings)

Your uncle got your nose for the last time. You live now with a second gaping face hole from which to breathe.

I asked my 13 year old son what hogwarts house he would be in and he slid his hand up his ass crack and slapped me in the face with it

*i just won a gunfight*

Gunfight referee: please slice the celebratory cake with your knife

Me: actually I was told specifically to not bring a knife

GR: whoever is telling people that needs to stop, everyone should bring BOTH a gun and a knife, we can’t just keep loaning out knives!

Yay I am glad you made it through, but sorry you are yeasty!

this site loads images like la croix tastes

healing my inner torment by incorporating one bandaid a day into my diet

Allegedly

Saturday Night Fever Dream (the trees have organs and the knives have feelings)

Facing real world problems with ineffective fumbling and offensively impromptu excuses.

i'm sorry, tim hortons i can not over emphasize how much i do not care about ryan reynolds or his donut preferences

Your uncle got your nose for the last time. You live now with a second gaping face hole from which to breathe.

He was telling me all this stuff about how he goes blind at any given time or that his arms will stop working. I hate when my Uber driver tries to make conversation.

i think i want to be a decommissioned lighthouse when i grow up

The paradox of being overweight but still not feeling like enough

It's raining so I wore boots and considered letting my pant legs rest on the tops like I was mysterious except for reeboks

The Cure makes me think of either old girlfriends or hair product. There is no in-between

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

You people give me crap about my short-handled shovel but I’ll have the last laugh when they send us back into the coal mines

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

Being horny toad on main (lying on a sun-warmed rock, eating bugs, and shooting foul-smelling blood from my eyes as a defense mechanism)

Save room for suppositions!

at least your hands around my throat gets rid of two of my chins how do I look

whenever I see the tip defaulted to 30% on one of those nifty machines it feels like friendly fire in the class war

They need to stop publishing books until I’m caught up reading them all.

if we're both still single by the time we are dead, then whew

Did you know that therapy takes more than one appointment? Just found out and i am LIVID

What if we took turns crying under the pulsing glow of the geodesic dome?

not every woman could pull off having this amount of earwax

if anyone ever recognizes me from here in the outside world I will hand them a shiv carved from my femur and let them slit my throat