I have never blown my nose, and at this point I am too afraid to try.

Being an adult gives you a wild new perspective on your childhood.

I am currently sexting with a woman who I know is, at this very moment, at her job — as an elementary school counselor.

Is this what my elementary school counselor was doing when I was a kid???

I mean…probably not.

No cell phones

Whenever I’m scheduled to give a presentation, I spend 93% of my prep time practicing whether I am going to open with “good morning” or “good afternoon.”

And I still fuck it up about half the time, which is about what you’d expect if I was just wildly guessing.

Gonna have to up it to 94%.

Ugh, my body composition is now 80% potato.

Legally speaking, when it’s time for the next census, I think I have to register as an actual potato now.

Step Brothers: "Sweet Child Of Mine" Singing In Car (ADAM SCOTT & KATHERINE HAHN FUNNY SCENE) YouTube video by Scene City

Relationship goals.

youtu.be/wE8IE8UGGiI?...

Ever since I was a little boy, I knew that I wanted one day to be a big boy.

Whenever books are advertised as being available “wherever books are sold,” I think to myself “Oh noooo, they have no idea, do they?”

Trying to buy a book for years, they’ve looked everywhere. The billiard hall. The cinema show. The bean shop. No books to be found. They’ve given up. They can’t.

And then you try to print something.

“That will be $17, please.”

Excuse me you forgot snacks

YES, but also please release him from your captivity when it’s time for him to run for Governor.

One thing I think we can ALL agree on is that MY life is the absolutely normal no ducks over here adult lifestyle, and THOSE people over THERE are the Screwball McDucks.

*motions vaguely at whomever*

#IAmNormal

11:17 PM, suddenly heard a knock on my front door.

I’m way too old to get unexpected visitors this late at night.

It turned out to be a police officer, alerting me to the fact I’d left my car headlights on for the past three hours. Whoops

Okay, okay

We can keep funding THESE police officers.

I missed the past five seasons of the NFL and now I don’t know who any of the characters are anymore.

Ugh, this is The Avengers all over again.

Now I have to go back and watch all the football games I missed so I can keep track of who gets killed off in Offseason War.

Let it never be said that I am a bad tipper.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely am.

But don’t let it be said.

I don’t want people to know.

Does she even ho, bro?

My daughter, as she struggled with a butter knife:

“The good news is I’d be bad at murdering someone.”

#SilverLinings

Finally, somebody is spreading the word about this new website YouTube!

I think YouTube could really be the next big thing, if only people knew about it.

Is it ironic that I ask AI to generate a happy future timeline on a daily basis?

What’s the manliest way to throw a slice of pizza?

I’ve ruled out underhand.

I’m proud of you and also hope your next passion project will maybe include 30% fewer nude scenes.

I was sitting at my kitchen counter at 1:43 AM when I heard a small scurrying sound and then a fallen Hershey kiss vanished beneath the fridge.

And yes, sure, the obvious answer is a mouse.

But I’m gonna need to confirm my daughter is still in bed before I consider this case officially closed.

YOU GUYS.

I hate to brag…

…but I’m, like, the best bragger in the whole world.

I saw a tweet of his one time, years ago. Pre-Trump. I was shocked. Then I checked the rest of his tweets and reassured myself he was just doing a bit. That all his tweets were ridiculous jokes. That people just didn’t get it.

Oh, what a simpler time that was.

I have sole custody of my daughter. I took her coat shopping today.

Daughter: Last year, I made a mistake in choosing “cute” over “warm.”

I made the same mistake in choosing her mom.

#HeyOh

One interesting thing that nobody ever talks about is that there is no correct way to spell laberinth...laburnth...labbyrynth...

My mother wants me to sign up for Amazon Prime. "Think of the savings!"

She doesn't understand that I save money by only shopping in stores that require pants and then refusing to do anything that requires wearing pants.

Thrilled to be one of the few, the proud, the 0% who tried "Penis" as their opening guess on Wordle today.

YOU GUYS.

I hate to brag...

But I named all of the planets in the correct order today.

#SoBlessed

"In times of war, where's Waldo?"