Do you have anything that gets rid of the mouse in titmouse 🏆👑 Congratulations @destry.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social

women who hate men generally just hate what men have done to them whereas men who hate women mostly just hate what women won’t do for them

the difference is crucial

Grammar police are you okay out theyre

a moose and a lion are standing next to each other in a cartoon ALT: a moose and a lion are standing next to each other in a cartoon

Mowing the lawn and the bolt holding one of the drive wheels on broke. It fell off a few weeks ago and I fear I tightened it back on with too much enthusiasm.

Guess I don't know my own strength.

bestie: where are you getting your colonoscopy done?

me: in my butthole

i’m a little high and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem (i’m becoming a reply guy)

There’s strength in numbers. Take 69, for instance.

when did pepper become cool before or after med school

I gave some Prozac to a mourning dove and now it's just a dove.

Eat a bag of dicks? In this economy?

What do you call an orgy with people and their lookalikes?

A doppelgangbang.

What do you call a glass of champagne and orange juice wearing chaps?

A bottomless Mimosa.

I'm an Easter basket case.

I really need my dog to MOVE but she’s like 13 so I guess I’m just gonna enjoy my four inches of leg room for the rest of the night

Fuck it, I’m going to be kind.

I'm a parody account.

A parodeeeeeeez nuts.

Boom!

Gotcha.

The only thing you're missing on Twitter is everyone asking AI if everything is true or not because they're too lazy to look it up.

I HEARD YOUR FACT AND I'M NOT HAVING FUN.

I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

Handwritten store sign that says "if getting any pipe, you must now take the FULL LENGTH. (full length is also underlined) Thanks, Manager

I assure you sir, that's the goal.

dO tHe CaRpEtS mAtCh ThE dRaPeS?

Why yes, I always shampoo and condition my pubes when I wash my hair.

Rebelling against my teen going to a baptist church by blasting Chappell Roan when I pick him up from Wednesday night youth group

I follow more animals than people on Instagram.

A thing about me is even if I'm having a great time I can't wait to go home

The dog farted in his sleep and wagged his tale 3-4 times to deliberately distribute his funky stench directly at me istg

I prefer a stout.

Mike's flaccid Lemonade was a horrible seller.