phht. every action hero digs out a bullet. show me one digging out an ingrown toenail

The thing I hate about Uber is that you can’t just tell them to "follow that car"

I put my pants on like everyone else. When there’s a delivery at the front door.

Someone said (not to me or they’d be 😵)
“You’re the reason they list the ingredients on a bag of ice” and I can’t stop thinking about that 👌

Public Service Announcement: Marijuana affects the memory.

God, I sure fucking hope so.

Tom Cruise movies are so unrealistic. You never see him struggling to reach something on a high shelf.

“Remember your training” I admonish myself as I try something I never trained for.

There was no descent into madness. I did a cannonball.

No thanks, "activewear," you sound exhausting.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

My teenage daughter confessed to getting high but said it “wasn’t worth it because of the hangover.” Okay, pussy

why don’t cartons of detergent have pictures of missing socks on them

healing my inner torment by incorporating one bandaid a day into my diet

Yesterday while I cooked dinner, my son said, “One day Dad I’ll help with bills and groceries.”
I almost cried.
He’s 32….. ffs now get the fuck out of my house you ponce

The pre-cum part of tomato ketchup can break a meal for me

Should be one bank for everything. Checking, savings, loans, blood, sperm, spank all under one roof

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time.

That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

Following decades of silence from the Smithsonian, I've thrown my old report cards away.

Sorry I yelled “FINISH HIM” at your son’s circumcision

I might not make it to work tomorrow because I just started chewing celery.

extremely bad time for an astronaut to find out he's a werewolf

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. The sign clearly said...

“Fine for parking."

Whoever called it “toe jam” really oversold the flavor.

You can't have it both ways. I'm either a bad listener or that other thing you said.

Me: It's a series of tractor races held all over the world. Call it Farmula 1

ESPN execs: Get out!

Trump: they shouldn’t be called missiles because we don’t want them to miss

Hegseth: LISTEN UP DIPSHITS! FROM NOW ON THEY ARE CALLED HITTLES!

ME: if games are played in periods then timeouts should be called commas

NHL COMMISSIONER: *secretly calling security* we will certainly consider it

These tornadoes are expected to hit parts of West Virginia and cause millions of dollars in improvements.

West Virginia is raising the drinking age to 30 to keep alcohol out of the high schools.