Parades of shit wagons past my street

It’s fertilizer week. Ufdah.

I’ve seen a lot of spinal, dude, and this guy is a fake

I do a lot of corporate BS, but what’s fun is settling into a Goose live set and grinding out analytics after hours. Its my secret sauce

Stop gladmogging me

It’s the quiet extortion rackets you have to worry about.

The surgeon who performed Walter white’s lobectomy was Clark griswolds coworker

Nobody on the east coast knows that (most of) Michigan is on eastern time.

Even if you don’t

We’re on the tail end of our big emotions phase over here with the 2 y/o

Toddler reactions dot gif

Love something as much as baby boomers love putting 6” thick foam toppers on perfectly fine mattresses.

… I’m currently laying on an air mattress next to a bed with a sick toddler in it because my in-laws mattress game is… well. You get it.

… body interested in challenging our of getting kicked out of daycare for being too snotty or whatever. 7 weeks in a row so far. Catch: you got pay $360/week and you don’t get that money back when they send you home for soft poop for 48 hours at 11 am on a Tuesday….

Kid finally gets healthy enough, right in time to visit the shedd aquarium. Kid is overwhelmed and has his hands in his mouth the entire time. Now: snot faucet. Perfect. Yes, I would absolutely recommend having a 2 year old for anyone who wants to break our record….

Make sure they fit well.

It’s so goddamn loud. I’ve been to lots of Motorsport and it’s on another level

Nothing tougher than trying to stay under 1200 calories while visiting the in-laws for a holiday weekend.

The move would be to buy it and then get a beer for the person seated in front of you, so that they can wear it, and you can fiesta

I need sitcom audience cheer tracks for when old characters show up.

Warden Norton

a man is holding a can of soda in front of his mouth and says `` time is a flat circle '' . ALT: a man is holding a can of soda in front of his mouth and says `` time is a flat circle '' .

Millennials:

Here we go

Uncle Buck is undefeated

Trampled?! Jealous

You know it’s a good sinus infection when you can’t chew crunchy food.

He said they’ve already got one.

Neighbors got jokes.

They gotta get new paint jobs to blend in with 1960s era highway interchanges.