i’m so fucking weak man x.com/inaneslop

beautiful woman is busy all weekend i am starving

if no one blowing up my phone i know eyebuydirect promotional 20% coupon text got me

i think i left all my medication in richmond lmao. i’ll just drive down tomorrow

genuinely can’t believe how much weight i’ve lost in the last month. it’s funny that i still have a such a prominent double chin

you guys gotta protect me from opps

involuntarily kicking my feet and squealing on my phone at age 29

my heart is urs if you say something

I will make more posts dw I gotta have some tact with this specific thing

Sorry gotta Lock-In and not blabber too much

my posting powers are returning. not gonna make a twitter tho

Drinking a Celsius is like drinking a can of concentrated heart palpitations

as a grown man you need to lay around all day surrounded by plushies

I keep getting uncircumcised penis content on IG. What is the magic mirror in my hand tryna tell me

Ok Dracula is pretty good. I love Renfield what a freak

Referring to all food as “belly-tinder” from now on

By far my most complimented thing has been my glasses and how well they fit my face. These mfers were $60 and have the wrong pupillary distance

playin it fun and loose by picking from this persons flash book on the day ☝️

Haphazardly booking a tattoo appointment for June

elevators probably one of the worst forms of social intimacy to ever exist. a social contract written by a complete weirdo. you can opt out for stairs but c’mon

the CPAP machine stays ON during sex (I will die)

I think my car door mirror breaking was a sign. A sign to get a new car door mirror

if my mysterious whimsy does not attract this beautiful woman then nothing will

I think I’m Daffy Duck 🦆

what’s kind of sexy about Dracula is that I’d love to be held prisoner for days on end in an endless dream haze solely for the purpose of getting sucked

Whole Foods bean burrito the methane levels in this apt are about to be off the charts

It’s my divine blessing to be able to eat my cake and have it too. Only for me. I’m special

Maybe not a good idea to post a bunch of dog poop bags on my IG story for this beautiful woman to see (she already saw it)

There’s some sort of dog poop warfare being waged in my neighborhood between homeowners and tenets. Abnormal amount of poop scattered around like collectibles

So true I’m stealing this