adobe i am a loser. i puked in my bed and got all these tribal tattoos. i need to you to morph me into rock and roll tony, the famous musician

[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable

Mike F @mikefossey police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal

You should have grabbed that charger.

God damn. They used to be like 2 for 6 here. They got rid of that tho too. I just want reasonable hot roast beef please.

Yeah since I moved the closest one is 45 minutes away. Now it’s even more of a delicacy. Feels like a little treat when I get to have it.

Hell yeah. I fuckin love Arby’s.

What is your Arby’s order?

When I was eight or nine I took a girl on a date to behind the corn field where I got her to watch me kick apart an old armchair

Innkeeper telling me rumors: He kicked the bucket. Popped his clogs. Slipped his moorings in the night, you see

Me, taking notes: Suspect is uncoordinated, shoeless, a seafarer,

We live in a a society

Well if it isn’t batshitman

A Gotham City villain that isn’t out for revenge or chaos—he just owns a fertilizer company and wants Batman for his guano.

popeye is taking a can of something out of his pocket. not sure what it is yet

Thank you Phelmo

Do not mistake my rewinding for kindness.

Dang. That seems legit.

Prove it

There should be a corner at Home Depot where a guy with a table saw will slice you off custom lengths of hot dog from an infinite hot dog coming out of the wall

listen

A typo that is also a burn. I still got it baby

You owe it two us, your loyal followers

*five minutes after getting out of my time machine and meeting Jesus Christ* no, LCD Soundsystem is the artist; Daft Punk Is Playing at My House is the title. I know it's confusing.

*taking off pounds of jewelry* prove it!

i ran over gary sinise in my GMC yukon and dragged his body for almost six miles

In retort: why not? It’s already molted and I am cold.

Travis., is this true?

Really cookin with this one

The balls are the failure of the penis. They bring it shame.

its genuinely incredible that the government has been taken over by vandals, thieves, and bald-faced liars and the media is more or less reporting on them like they're normal heads of state