BREAKING: Strait of Hormuz now observing New York Stock Exchange hours. Lunch break sponsored by Goldman Sachs.

Important parenting milestones achieved:
✅️First word
✅️First steps
✅️First recorder music concert

It's the masters weekend so I went out and played some shitty golf to celebrate

losing contact with the earth for 40 minutes sounds nice

✌️

Interviewed to be my boss today. If I get it, the first order of business will be replacing myself.

"He's probably thinking about other women"

I'll bring a periscope next time to investigate

A couple days ago, the guy in the next stall was using 5-10ft of TP per wipe. Wanted to share that info with someone but forgot until now.

Are they what

I never considered soup comes from a factory but I guess you're right

Getting fancy tonight

The year is 2030 and you just bought a ticket from stubhub but but its ai counterfeit. The police are knocking but you can't find the post it note that has your front door password written on it.

Helluva bears game last night

Saturday night football? Is nothing sacred?

Correct

I think if balls are in proximity, the correct term is chode

ME: i’m nervous about my date should i bring anything

FRIEND: just be nice

ME: okay

[later]

DATE: what is this

ME: bean ice

I don't mean to brag, but today my mom said I look nicer than normal. And to explain that, she said "your beard is the same color as your hair"

Giving the little guy what he wants

I've been blocking every political post and there's nothing left but you 😍

It's snowing and I'm settled in, no more doing things please

I’d have to be pretty turdrunken to eat a turducken

Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys

I went golfing today and the old grumpy guy in the pro shop was watching beavis and butthead

i mean whiskey is prob the only way i’ll tango or foxtrot tbh.

When your cat is sitting on you, all regal like the king claimed his land. Try to overthrow the king, I dare you.

Don't call her a man 🤣