Movie podcast in my headphones: "And that was starring James Caan."

Me out loud: "Khaaaaan!!!"

My bewildered son: "… w h a t ?"

Haha

I have music playing in my head at every waking moment.

What’s your score on the apple test?

Video games from my childhood have me over prepared for the amount of barrels full of toxic waste I would encounter in my adult life.

Watching the movie Aliens and I'm confused. Is the Queen an elected official or is it more of a family bloodline thing?

[frog at an open mic night]

"So I said what's wrong? Do you have me in your throat?"

*crickets*

*frog goes nuts trying to eat the crickets*

I'm trying to eat better but the bacteria in my guts love leftover Halloween candy.

"Pics or it didn't happen!" says the wizard as the dent in the car door repairs itself before any photographic evidence was taken.

When I go to the grocery store to just buy one item I make sure I don't get a cart or basket so that when I get to the checkout I look like a complete idiot struggling to not drop the twelve other things I picked out.

Me as a child: Climbs trees, somersaults off the couch, rides my bike over makeshift ramps.

Me now: I injured my shoulder 2 nights ago by sleeping. I was feeling better today but just reinjured it by sneezing.

Look, if you really want to ruin some of my woodworking tools, you should get on my level.

The meaning of bewildered is confusing.

Some days you just gotta wait for new emails to come in and push the stressful email off screen.

Let sleeping dogs lie. We'll find out the truth after they wake up.

Me: Listen. You're important to me. I'm so grateful that you're here.

Olive Garden waiter: (Stops grating the cheese and walks away without saying a word.)

A pirate learning to use a computer and being frustrated that they keep losing their work whenever they click on an "X" to get the treasure.

When I was a kid and an adult would say that something would "stunt your growth" I thought they meant it in a cool way like a motorcycle jumping over cars.

Oscar the grouch frantically spreading fresh garbage around his house 30 minutes before relatives arrive for a dinner party.

I tried to do some pen spins on my left hand but kept dropping it. I switched to my right hand as my wife walked in the room and dropped it again! That's some real second hand embarrassment.

My wife made me breakfast in bed! It was delicious but the cleanup is a hassle. I wish she would go back to making breakfast in the kitchen.

Got fired for yelling "Freeze, dirtbag!" every time I put a new bag of potting soil on the shelf at Home Depot.

I heard someone on a podcast talk about "Getting DRESSED for work." and how they "Walked over to the DRESSER." and I swear I never made the connection before. "Dresser" was always just a unique word that was attached to that object and I never questioned it.

I'm starting a new service that connects people that purchased a large appliance with children that have no box fort.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax.

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive.

My wife thinks my "I'm a single dad!" shirt is inappropriate but I am factually not two dads.

My job involves writing lots and lots of jokes and then to convince myself none of them are funny enough when it's time to draw one.

Gotta plant the cars the previous fall if you want this year to have a bumper crop.

(At a concert)
Oh you like this band? Describe three of their t-shirts.

Did you hear that the bad guy from the Power Puff Girls is starting a karate studio with that four-time Olympic medalist? It's the Mojo Jojo Flo-Jo Dojo.