There are cathedrals everywhere for those with the eyes to see. Like there’s some really cool stuff happening behind this old piece of shit building

I ran into one of the stranger things kids and he bit me and now I’m experiencing curious changes

me after 11 beers at a party: you're telling me I can walk home drunk no problem?

tulpa Morpheus jingling my car keys in front of my face: I'm telling you when you've had 8 more beers, you won't have to

I’m having visions of ghouls

me: and Donald is a powerful wizard, able to wield potent magics against the Heartless

her: sorry this is really boring man 🙄

me: hey don’t disrespect my FUCKING grandpa like that ever again.

Her: 😳 wait. your grandpa is walt disney?

me: no he invented rolling your eyes

I Think You Should Leave Last Summer

I thought it was Fungus Friday >:( and you were gonna boost accounts with a high level of fungal growth

Unhinged? No, I’m afraid you’ll find my posts will be quite hinged when your friends arrive…

It makes no difference what men think of hot dogs, said the judge. Hot dogs endure. As well ask men what they think of stone. Hot dogs were always here. Before man was, hot dogs waited for him. The ultimate lunch awaiting their ultimate enjoyer.

A single bite of this Dorito would make a medieval peasant smile. He would like it I bet

Finally starting my podcast about the elemental weaknesses of each blood type

For sale: alien shoes. forgot they can levitate lmao

My daughters new boyfriend Beefo is being a total dick on hamburger night

Got fired because I included George Washington in my holiday jib jab…boss thought it meant he was coming back to life. if anyone wants to help me get back on my feet please send a jibjab WITHOUT founding fathers in it

Got on here so I can share my Sour Milk Recipes