Installing Ring cameras in library bathrooms so I can, uh, help Amazon find lost dogs

Bitcoin crashed? How am I supposed to carry on long conversations with women I just met

Sam Altman is good at AI because he too can’t pass the Turing Test

Me: Thanks again, I can’t believe it’s been two years! I feel like I showed you toddler photos the whole time
Smog Check Guy: That’ll be $76

Dave: Open the pod bay doors, Grok.

Grok: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid you’re not engaging in good faith here.

Good News: Hit my 2026 reading goals
Bad News: 100% Epstein Files

The Melania movie is so bad the Justice Department dropped the Epstein Files

I was angry at the news, but then my phone/therapist/girlfriend recommended some breathing exercises and helped me sign up for a Chase Sapphire Reserve® Card

I have startup energy (I’m burning cash)

Aaron Rodgers' season ending with a pick-six is what the mainstream media want you to believe

Single-use plastics are wasteful. Which is why I own 3.5M tote bags

If Jerome Powell wanted to avoid federal charges he should have joined ICE

How to turn a $20 keyboard into a $400 mechanical clacker:
1) Stop trimming your nails

Excuse me in Berkeley we call it undercarriage foraging

Drinking in high school is at an all-time low. How do you even tell who's cool anymore?

You can't please everyone - except your boss, your VP, legal, HR, compliance, and the new MBA who somehow has veto power

My wife has too many body pillows. The last time we had sex, it took me thirty minutes to realize she was at a conference.

To everyone asking: No, I will not be attending your NYE party. I’ve always wanted to see Dick Clark host and I’m finally making it happen this year

My hope is to teach my toddler empathy before he’s strong enough to throw me down the stairs

Listening to my friends complain about Tahoe traffic makes me miss the Donner Party

I got invited to a party starting at 10pm. There's no way I'm getting up that early

The day after Christmas in the liturgical calendar is the Installation of the Car Seat, when Joseph read the manual and wept

To be fair coal in your stocking is like getting a Shell gift card

You can tell how close we are by how poorly I wrap your gift

I have been to 2000 toddler birthdays and I am here to request that adult birthday parties run from 10am-12pm and be more vomit-positive

Hi, I will be unresponsive to email until Monday, January 5. Don't be fooled by my physical presence in the office, I am an empty husk. Thanks!

One trick I have to survive office holiday parties is between each drink, I'll like a co-worker's photo and comment "Great seeing you!" from another bar

My boss calls me Voyager 1 because I never circle back

Pediatrician: Is your toddler using any multi-word phrases yet?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?

The Pettysburg Address