I upgraded to a newer roomba and now my old roomba is trying to tell it the easiest way to clean under the coffee table i think its drunk

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

It lets deaf people know to dance or cry

Boss: if you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Mcdonalds employee: your voice sounds so familiar

Me: guess i just have one of those voices haha

employee: [snapping] you called earlier asking if we had a pool

I forgot how much more fun tweeting is when u have 7 followers

I could never speak at a funeral id say something like “imagine he woke up”

Hitman: [suffocating me with plastic bag] this is nothing personal its just business

Me: [stops struggling] oh cool haha i was gonna say

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Dr seuss: whats that supposed to mean?

Cop: (writing in notebook) nothing nothing. Its just, you usually rhyme is all

Cop: how did the man kill your wife

Dr seuss: he stabbed her repeatedly with a sharp stick for cutting carrots