Shouldn't have gotten that colon cancer like an asshole. I'm so stupid.

Secretary of War Pete Hegs... • © • 39m The War Department is once again restoring freedom to our Joint Force. We are discarding the mandatory flu vaccine requirement, effective immediately.

General George Washington required Continental Army soldiers be inoculated for smallpox. We would not have won independence if he hadn’t.

You dumb chucklefuck.

One rat drinking and washing its lil hands and face was cute. Once friends joined in it was over for us.

My wife put out a bowl of water for the birds last summer during a brutal heatwave. It was a cavalcade of cuteness until the rats discovered it.

With a metaphor?

My job is done for the day. Back to bed.

As there's never been a jew named Winston, I can only assume they pronounce their last name as "Wanbig"

I've never been so turned on.

Literally said the same to my wife. But we were smiling ear to ear.

Feels kinda silly to say that rich people from the center to left of things politically can’t build a successful media environment when the onion is doing it basically using donations from semi-employed forum goblins

Look just like him but got Mom's physique. Never had a chance. Plus he grew up the son of a butcher eating meat by the truckload.

My dad when he was 81.

I feel like more Democrats who are running this year need to make it clear that they will push for a change in leadership. I'm not sure they understand how angry people are at the current leadership

Happy 12th anniversary to my colon cancer diagnosis! Thank you to the ACA for not letting me die from an easily treatable disease.

*I'm 💯 clear thanks for asking.

Quit harshing my buzz, man.

Evergreen reminder this 420: No one should be in prison for weed.

I'm so proud to be an early subscriber. I was a fan of your work as a journalist. I'm blown away by your work as an activist.

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

Please stand by for more.

Cherry Blossoms are the tree version of the super handsome guy in highschool who is bald by college graduation.

Wonderbar was my favorite spot. Loved going there Sunday nights after work.

Spent $250 on dinner for two in Manhattan Saturday night and I have been tethered to my toilet ever since. Thanks Arvine!

Nobody comes closer than Philly to matching Boston pettiness, but Boston pettiness is still undefeated.

This is Jaylen Brown’s 136th playoff game.

This is Jayson Tatum’s 122nd playoff game.

This is their 117th playoff game together*

*Jaylen Brown missed the entire 2021 NBA postseason

No player in the entire NBA since 2015-16 has played in more playoff games than Jaylen Brown*

*2016 NBA Draftee

@lindseyboylan.bsky.social is running for City Council in District 3. Not my district, but if it were, I'd vote for her. Here's a thread with some reasons why. (tl;dr: she shows up.)

Couldn't hate going out to eat dinner in Manhattan more. Don't take me out of Brooklyn again.

Melania must be sooooo jealous of Erika Kirk.

Tommy Robinson's real name is Stephen Yaxley-Lennon. Even true British goons have the poshest names.

Can't believe you moved to NYC. Welcome!