Me: This pillow is not hypoallergenic.

The pillow: Fuck you.

I’d rather…I hate their slop.

No thanks, "activewear," you sound exhausting.

A round, fried hors d'oeuvre sits on a plate with a shocked expression. It is surrounded by others like it, except for an empty spot next to it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

I still can’t believe that McDonald’s isn’t byob.

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

Everyone at work is acting like they came here on a little bus.

My soulmate is out there finishing fries that could’ve been shared with me

Not gonna lie, I've completely lost track if it's actually open or closed now

Thank god, I was feeling really down before they invented a pasta sauce that spies on us.

I’m having a Costco hot dog themed birthday this year

I turned notifs on for people who are always here. So basically, we live together now.

TRUMP: the strait is now open and we totally won the war

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF: jesus christ dude

There’s value in that, too.

You get me.

You aren’t my sunshine…my only sunshine.

Just a thought: How about we stop shaming the poor for buying things that may not be essential, and start shaming the rich for making a profit off things that are essential?

If you ask me if I see the humor in things. I will take off my glasses and say No.

I’m in a used bookstore huffing up all the book smell.

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

We’ve taken the fun out of everything.

I might decide to be a villain today, not sure yet.

I’ll wash my mouth out with doughnut

are you telling me this scallion can rap

I think dudes would have more respect for boobies if their balls were on their forehead. (Fuck it, send)

a cartoon drawing of a pink train going through a tunnel ALT: a cartoon drawing of a pink train going through a tunnel

Well, it could be a few things.

It’s getting to the point where a lady can’t buy a big bag of cucumbers without people assuming things.

In an alternate universe furries make themselves look like humans and call themselves skinnies