p sure i have a stress rash on my stomach which means shit is getting real bad but there's literally nothing i can do about it cuz it's being alive that's stressing me out 🫠

i wish i liked alcohol i wish i liked drugs im so so tired of raw dogging life man

my whole life has and is defined by what people can get out of me i dont even know who i am anymore man

i wish i could sleep

HEY DAN WE'RE POPPING OUT FOR A BIT AND THEN THEY DISAPPEAR FOR HOURS IM BARELY ON MY PC NOW CUZ ITS DOGS ALL DAY!!! AND NOW ALL NIGHT AS WELL CUZ THEYRE GOT A CARAVAN THEYRE FUCKING OFF TO EVERY WEEKEND

its dogs its dogs its dogs all the way down my whole life is dogs everything is dogs dogs dogs and will be forever i'm so stressed out and its awful cuz its not even the dogs fault its MY PARENTS WHO WONT FUCKIN TRAIN THEM

a close up of a cartoon character 's face with drawings on it 's eyes ALT: a close up of a cartoon character 's face with drawings on it 's eyes

wide awake since 5am thinking about how life is gonna be shit for a long time and theres nothing i can do about it because i'm so bone deep exhausted i literally dont have the energy to start any processes to change anything

i joined a board game server with some friends ages ago n i havent even joined in yet cuz either im busy or im so overstimulated/stressed out i cant join and i feel terrible i have to keep flaking :/ life sucks man

i cant stream i cant hang out with ppl i keep getting asked to collab and play games n shit n i keep having to say no cuz im either puppy duty or recovering from puppy duty so have no spoons to socialize and uugghhh

i love these pups but i HATE the fact my entire life and identity is just dogs now it's all i do i'm nothing but a dogsitter now thats my whole identity

and i dont even get paid for it!!!!!

i'm on overnight puppy duty every single weekend this month what if i killed myself lol

i hate the fact the moment i'm done with a game my brain is like 'time to spiral cunt'

fine for him to talk to me like literal dirt but i swear once (NOT EVEN AT HIM) and he starts ranting about respect and other bullshit i hope he chokes lol

i made the mistake of tripping on a stool accidentally which startled the dogs and dad started yelling at me as if i did it on fucking purpose?? and then when i said 'fuck it i'm going back upstairs' he's like DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT

also turns out i cant get w door to my room now cuz of the layout so who knows when or IF i can stream again

everytime i find a hobby/outlet it gets ripped away from me for reasons outside my control :(

bruce having stage 1 ivdd and my parents doing nothing to prevent it, puppy duty all week this whole month so no breaks, lost interest in everything

and everyone keeps saying i',? doing really well but i just feel so listless ugh

im ready to explode

how do i stop being overloaded when literally BEING ALIVE IS THE THING THAT OVERLOADS ME

and it sucks cuz i just sit at home playing games all day why am i so fucking miserable everyone else has actual problems but i feel like i'm drowning everyday with no way of fixing it??? like thats the worst part of everything

i'm overwhelmed constantly cuz shit is always pushed on me without any way to decline so i have no energy for anything else and im SO FRUSTRATED ALL THE TIME I AM SO SO ANGRY

every single time i try and look after myself cuz im overstimulated some bullshit happens beyond my control that pushes me over the fucking edge

i crave friendships and then when i get them i get overloaded by them wanting to hang out

*rattles brain* WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WAAAAANNNT

i should be happy everyone wants to hang out with me but instead i'm so overwhelmed by everyone wanting my attention ough

love when i tell dad a reason i do smth is cuz of adhd/autism and he shakes his head

i wish there was a way for him to realise it's a reason and not an excuse :/

yknow the day my dad passes away is the day my life improves drastically lol

i'm always tired down to my bones and frankly fucking miserable 😵‍💫 its hard to think positive when i cant leave this house for years and years at LEAST

these few weeks have been so tough with all the building work, my parents taking their stress out on me, them trampling all over my boundaries, and the cold weather :/ i barely have time for bas anymore cuz any spare time i have i'm either having a meltdown or recovering from said meltdown :(

also therapy revealed i have trauma with alcohol and also a consistent theme in my life has been a loss of automony/never being in control and ugh... i have so much shit to unpack whenever i get outta here

i've been really struggling with the realization my dad is a huge ptsd trigger for me

specifically when he yells at me which is whenever he opens his mouth lol

everything happen so fucking much

'youre 30 years old!' yeah i'm also deathly afraid of my dad to the point he's a main ptsd trigger of mine so lol