A big ol lego set

Finally finished!

top 5 years for novelty NYE glasses:

1: 2020
2: 1001
3: 0 (giant monocle)
4. 1969
5. 8000 B.C

"Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?"
"you mean cheese?"
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
"that does make more sense actually"

who remembers these????

nobody goes over Niagara Falls in a barrel anymore

Before doors were invented people had to stay in the room they were born in for their entire life

I don’t think I’d enjoy being sucked off by mr bean. looking down and seeing him do an enthusiastic thumbs up in between slurps would be hard to process

Just put my Christmas tree up…

…my ass 😈

Will I understand Nosferatu if I haven’t seen Nosfera?

can’t find my daughter’s elf on the shelf so I’m just gonna say it died

wanna feel old? breakdancing cop was 11 and a half years ago

"sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
"officer, I'm..."
*turns to camera*
"double jointed"
*cop starts breakdancing*

[playstation trophy sound]

Thanks! It’s nice here

Hahah

A letter stating that my child has been chosen to play a child in the school play

Throwback to when my son landed the most demanding acting role of all time

my dog’s reaction to his birthday muffin

Say what you will about Matt Gaetz, but he’s tough on crime. For example he just brought down Matt Gaetz

Elvis then pelvis

if anyone is into music check out a band called the Beatles. you won’t regret it

the

dare I????

a tasty treat for my new followers

“this is your pilot speaking. The bad news is that I’ve fallen out of the plane. The good news is that the range on this Bluetooth headset is incredible”

How it feels using BlueSky after 12 years of Twitter

This tab is like if someone described the exact opposite of me

I genuinely think that if he tried, Matt Gaetz could eat a basketball

Was gonna repost some of my old tweets but the Bruce Willis ones haven’t aged well…

Ah that’s such a nice thing to say, thank you