euripedeez nuts

bro, do you even optimize for impact?

we know why he was REALLY eating all that canned pineapple 😏

Still from Blue Velvet. Man watering grass gets stung and dies in his picturesque white-picket lawn.

he’d make it using a real club

rude. I just shouted at my coworker “happy deaf history month!!!” and she completely ignored me

UNENDING TORMENTS

swalwell that endswell

we did everything we could, but we couldn’t save him. I’m afraid that dog in you has passed

WHO WOULD WIN: the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune OR what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil

I am Jack’s accidental eye contact made after glancing up from a phone

Books are good because they show you more ways you can use words. And then you can think better/cooler

Dennis Hopper as President Koopa in 1993’s super Mario brothers film

gonna tell my kids this was Donald Trump

“Trump posted on his LiveJournal” just doesn’t have the same ring

if you’re pulling your phone out at the urinal, maybe it’s time to touch grass

An email that says “Failure notice”

et tu, spam folder?

monke with neuron activating

when the opposing chromosomal variant of your dimorphic species carries excess adipose tissue near particular organs and glands

i could never love an unproven spacetime phenomenon

Photoshop of David Foster Wallace on "Hot Ones" from @missmollymary who says, "just something I've been pondering lately"

moisturized, unbothered, flourishing, in his lane

so, Whitney Houston?

Women

I’m starting to think they’ll criticize him no matter what he does 🤔

apparently “blame it on the boogie 😎” is not an acceptable response to “why are you two hours late to work again”

oh, him? he’s just the town cryer

no cap 🙏

Screenshot of several comments from the linked article cooking the writer

they had to turn the comments off lol

today is the only day you get to say “Good Good Friday Day”