OMG why does lying down feel so good?

- 5 minutes later -

OMG why does lying down feel so bad?

"Wash your meats or don't get treats" wasn't the motivation I was looking for but here it is.

I also didn't appreciate "Stonky donkeys get treated wonkey". Rude but true I guess.

This week's running joke in the household:
Men are always exaggerating size. Those nails were probably only six inches, which is totally FINE and perfectly ADEQUATE for the job.

Cheese & crackers may not have been the smartest snack for pizza night...

Here's my hot take: if you put all that "loaded" nonsense on your potato, you don't want a potato. You want a taco. Or nachos.

Mother Nature is going through that menopause. March menopause.

It is 90°. I am allowed to turn on the air conditioner.

It's a get the back scratcher stuck in your bra strap TWICE kind of day.

And just like my family, Olive Garden has asked me to stop coming for dinner.

Oh geez, now my scalp is numb?

I can remember the family Pizza Hut order from my childhood, but the list of my prescriptions? No way.

It is Friday. This week I saw two doctors, made three appointments, had two follow-up phone calls, sent out some mail, got through 300 emails and showered 4 times.

Bank account be damned, we're getting the expensive pizza tonight!

Sleepytime tea bear

Hoping this guy can help me go from sleepy during the day to sleepy at night.

So far: wildly unsuccessful.

Me: [Beholding the sunrise] Ooo...that sky is RED! You've been warned!

Him: I can handle it.

Me: You know how that saying goes:
Red sky at night, Bitch you a'ight.
Red sky at morning...Bitch uh-oh.

Him: 🤔 ... Uh...sure.

I think there's only one appropriate response to "Merry Christmas".

I'm just not good at chugging liquids. It's what made prepping for my colonoscopy difficult. Drink eight 8oz servings of liquid mixed with powdered laxative in 2 hours? Am I gonna need a gatorade bong for this?!

Pray you, Amazon prime
Tempt not my greedy fingers
Ord'ring stuff all the time
"Return it!" Your cry lingers
Oh, oh whoa ohhh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Gloria, The budget's in Excel Sheets

Available funds are low
Let fists of rage be swungen
And "Aw geez, no, no, no!"
Wails of regret are sungen
Oh, oh whoa ohhh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Gloria, The budget's in Excel Sheets

Money Woe: A Carol for Our Times (3 stanzas)

Dang our bills are high
Our bank account's been dinging
Kiss those treats goodbye
Overdrafts are pinging
Oh, oh whoa ohhh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Gloria, The budget's in Excel Sheets

My lovely partner
Is sleeping so peacefully.
I'm so dang jealous!

The thing about tacos is that when my spouse suggests them for lunch I'm like "meh..get me one or two."But then I eat them and I'm like "AHHHH I should have gotten a sack of tacos!"

Which is how they became a food of regret.

The tired quip I was going to use was "It's all shits and giggles until somebody giggles and shits." But what came out was "It's all fun and games until it isn't. Then it's the runnies and whippin' shitties."

Brains, amirite?

Nurse: After your procedure, do not eat anything greasy, fried, fatty or heavy.

Me: You just named my 4 favorite food groups!

I ended up taking a shower this morning even though I VERY MUCH didn't want to. Would you believe I'm still alive? 2 stars, would not recommend.

I made a post about the weather but you must have mist it.

The existence of dildos implies the existence of dilbucks.

Problem solved: I determined my bowels are haunted.

We only serve turkey on Thanksgiving as a palate cleanser for all the different kinds of potatoes.

I pooped like a normal human!

Oh no! *I'm* why I can't have nice things!