I feel like my skeets aren't being amplified.

I guess it's like a GoPro in slow-mo without the quid pro quo. Ya know?

Even though there were many of the diminutive tree climbers at the park near the lakeshore, I probably could have phrased it better when I told the elderly birding couple, "Brown Creepers out the ass."

Setting up a high end fishing apparel store, calling it Da Peche Mode *slam dunks my phone into a lake

Very different from said proclamation. Congrats to him (and you!).

Copper thieves be like I love the wire

I wrote a joke about buying a dobro but I guess it just didn't resonate with people.

My second most difficult aunt, who is in the hospital for a cat scratch…

You know what? I’m going to leave it there.

I don’t believe in hell but I’m willing to make some exceptions.

American? Salty, that reply bombed.

Da dum tsshhh

Non-denominational space lasers.

Cymru! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

This might be my Welsh ancestry talking, but llylyllwwwllyygwidhwcwtchllylylyly

Chillin on the bench near Olcott, NY. Facing northwest toward Toronto. Not as cold as it looks.

They put us in different reading groups with animal names so we wouldn't know which were the smart kids and which were... something else. Us Armadillos were reading Curious George Rides a Bike and the Porpoises were reading Finnegans Wake. The Porpoises caught on immediately. I just caught on today.

The best way to untangle a chainsaw chain is with an Ornette Coleman solo in your heart

I'm sorry I said "More like What Is Tart by Leo Hole-stoy" when we quarreled.

Maybe next time don't tell me you dreamt about banging your Elementary Russian I professor.

Got a little freaked out after drinking my first ever can of Liquid Death, so I hurried to the store and bought some Life Water.

Obviously I will die alone.

The president was so unhinged while showing apparent signs of mental decline at his press conference that Jake Tapper just wrote six more books about Biden's health.

It feels kind of wrong to make dick jokes at a time like this but I'm going to go ahead and make dick jokes at a time like this

Made some Käsespätzle if you guys are hungry.

"I don't know what's happening here"

Me, while:
-watching sports
-parallel parking
-trying something new in bed

Give your baby a name where all the letters are silent

Gray Sabbath
Mumford and Adopted Sons

good morning only to people who have received a consequence at some point and understand the concept of it

Mmm. I'd sure like to split that infinitive.

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

Your English teacher and your gym teacher are both on paid administrative leave pending an investigation into allegations they had sex on the principal's desk.