Def Leppard is nominated for a Gunter Glieben Glauchen Globe for Most Sugar Poured On Me

Not to brag, but a lot of the pornbots think I’m handsome.

If I could write poetry I would write poetry about you.

...and pizza.

second date idea we bury the body

Soup rhymes with poop.

Plop

my hat probably thinks of me as it’s pants

Scientifically accurate

38 years ago my father gave me my first computer. Today I will travel back in time to stop him.

Schrödinger's cat is alive, dead and a secret third thing (a cowboy on a steel horse).

If you had to poke your penis through the mail slot of a door, would you rather be inside or outside?

I don't mean to be so autobiographical all the time it's just that talking about others has never happened to me

a baby drinking from the fountain of youth and turning into a cum

Obvious explanation

Medically sound advice.

Hahaha "poop"

ME: Mmm, these frog testicles are delicious!

WIFE: Those are peas, you nincompoop!

I talk a lot of shit for a person who liked Milli Vanilli

Yeah, that Myron dude is fucked up.

I recently had my sanded and fresh coat of shellac applied.

before coffee: I hate everything

after coffee: I hate everything but nervouser

Maybe a ghost.

My feelings

You are what you secretly eat in your car.

Reasons why I don’t need to own firearms
1. I would shoot a spider

The "beard no mustache" combo is goofy.

casper the friendly boy overhearing some older kids discuss autoerotic asphyxiation on the bus

BDSM is so much easier now my bf and I are older - he used to have to blindfold me but now he just hides my glasses.