Saying vegetables are healthy is just a ploy by big Farma.

This day in history. 1975. Blues musician T-Bone Walker died, not to be confused with music producer T Bone Burnett, or risk manager/travelling secretary/marine biologist/architect/realtor/importer-exporter/latex salesman/hand model T-Bone Costanza.

This day in history. 1991. U2 was fined £500 for selling condoms illegally at the Virgin Megastore in Dublin. There must be a story there but I can't be bothered.

You ever notice the people who are most ready to fight are the ones who look like they’d lose a struggle with a stick of deodorant?

My wife and I have agreed that we both want to be having more sex and apparently she’s already found the guy she wants to be having it with, too!

Me: Well, I'm no expert.

Him: But?

Me: But what?

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

Is it my imagination, or is the U.S. plunged into financial ruin and war every time there is a Republican president?

it it too late to trade my education in for ignorance?

look, if anyone can win a war, it’s the stable genius who deferred five times from serving his country, took someone else’s Purple Heart without a second thought, brags that he likes soldiers who don’t get captured, and chooses to golf when people he sends off to war get killed

wife: i should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

I've never been bungee jumping but I have taken my life in my own hands navigating through a Trader Joe's parking lot

just twisted my back yawning then choked on my own saliva then tripped on my own foot then bumped into a wall (who put that there?) who wants to marry me

Relationship status: staring wistfully at store mannequins dressed in yoga pants for just a few seconds longer than is decent in polite society.

imagine being a police sketch artist in like 1950 and ur hand starts cramping up cause the asshole detective just keeps shouting “enhance” at u

The ending hand holding scene from fight club where they are in silhouette looking at the window of the skyscraper watching the other skyscrapers blow up

This could be us:

"I'll die on this hill."

"There's no hill around here."

"I'll die on this gazebo."

I had a truly terrible day but out of respect for the people who are living a nightmare in my own country, I will get over it and just silently hope for someone to chip in Etsy witch money

a hand holds a lighter to a cigarette in the beak of a raven (crow)

“Thanks, man. Where was I? Oh yeah, so it was December, and I just wanted to get out of the cold. I knocked on some random guy's door. I’m tellin’ ya, dude was out of his friggin' mind! He kept asking me a bunch of super weird questions and whining about some chick named Lenore."

Being called “tense” means I’m edgy, right?

Stop bleeding for people who never knew you were injured.

[my funeral]
Priest: Grant was a father & a husband
Guy In Back: WHAT
Priest: He was a father & a husband
Guy In Back: LOUDER
Priest: HE WAS A FATHER & A HUSBAND
Guy: WHO FARTED ON DONNY OSMOND?

*discovery of potatoes*
1st person: What should we do with these?
2nd person: *clenches fist* EVERYTHING.

[at stoplight]

*gets out of car, knocks on driver's window behind me after following me for 3 turns*

Me: Are you obsessed with me?

i never stopped raising the roof. but i’m ngl, it is starting to get pretty heavy

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

The assistant to Dr. Frankenstein didn't fully understand mentally or morally what they were up to in making the monster. But sometimes Igor-ance is bliss.

I’ve quit telling people that I disagree with them. Instead, I now say, “I’m gonna have to agree with myself on this one.” It’s self-positive, non-confrontational, and just weird enough to end the conversation.

Emily Blunt: fuck me

Emily Subtle: come up for coffee

My favorite part of aging is discovering which new food will betray me each week.