why don’t cartons of detergent have pictures of missing socks on them

Wanna improve your mood? Play some Pointer Sisters. Works every time.

After my dad died, I called his brothers, and the first thing my aunt said was "well I'm happy for your mom"

They say when choosing a mate, you marry your dad. So here I am, shaking from 58 years of PTSD and anxiety. Happy Anniversary!

Bunnies in a raft pull up next to a spaceship capsule, which has just splashed down and is floating in the open sea. Visible in the capsule, two bunnies wave at the ones in the boat.

Daily bunny no.3285 made it home safely

Just put myself to bed like it was a weeknight.

pedicure so good you soil the massage chair

Space heaters are like regular heaters except no one can hear you scream.

Beautifully blooming cherry blossom trees in Branchbrook Park, NJ

A gorgeous day of cherry blossoms can cheer me from the darkest slump. Big points to my hub for planning a lovely birthday 💕

I can highly recommend taking an edible and watching videos of stumbling baby elephants. Highly.

how about a class action lawsuit suing him for psychological abuse

Today is going to be a “one foot in front of the other” kind of day.

Messaging your doctor is like messaging a guy who’s not interested in you

Zach Birkland @Birkalicious Don't forget drink water and get some sunlight because you're basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Congress is so funny. The world could be blown to smithereens and half of them would be like not sure this is a kitchen table issue.

Dems: omg this is crazy we have to do something *opening Twitter*

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

[Chuck Schumer scavenging through the post-apocalyptic rubble for scraps of food] He's gone too far. Someone should do something about this

I hate when the long weekend is ending and I realize I didn’t read as much as I wanted to because I had to spend time with people.

GUYS THEY'RE ALMOST BACK FROM BEHIND THE MOON, EVERYONE HIDE

How am I doing?
I'm listening to The Wall on repeat, how do you think I'm doing.

Doc was checking my dilation progression, really getting in there, til my husband proclaimed, "hey doc, she's not a puppet!"
Laughed so hard my water broke, true story.

astronauts: (leaving on artemis II) don't burn the Earth down while we're gone ha ha ha

GOD: just got your text are you still in the cave

My rewritten bible focuses on the butthole of Christ

Quick question - how did Jesus die the second time?

I'm so excited for future generations of students who get to study this absolutely bizarre period in history

All I want for my next birthday is one of them cartoon sandwiches where you shuffle all the ingredients together into one mile high sammich.

I didn’t even know rabbits laid eggs

*takes bong hits with the Easter Bunny