Woke up to another beautiful day on earth

All my hopes are high.

That's some mighty fine stick poking. It's definitely squishy

Roswell crash could be they got too stoned and wrecked their ride

*takes a hit
What if the aliens like to party?

The extra lil hitch that kicks everything into gear 😍

Nope but we have these 2
🪓🪵

This post has no meaning, but you’ll like it because it’s free.

true story: one time i went to a dickens fair and this little witchy woman rubbed a love potion on my hands and said i would meet the man of my dreams but all that happened was it gave me a terrible rash

I’m not awake yet. Post quietly

America isn't real. It's actually a social experiment testing how much its citizens can endure.

If your wife is angry, take a nap. She’ll still be mad, but that nap though!

A wise man once said nothing and ordered pizza instead.

I write things down so I don’t forget. Too bad I always lose the paper.

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms.
She knows what she did.

Scrolling
Burns sage

Let's see how good this antibiotic really is.

I say to myself as I pick it up off the floor and down it.

I hate when people say a door is ajar. It’s not a jar, it’s a door. Dumb ass.

Waaay too many people named Jason

More people should be named Hank

Artemis? Why does the name have to be so obscure reference
Going to the moon without landing?
Do you go to the grocery store just to cruise past the parking lot?

Let's call it for what it is
Moon Blast Drive By

Think of a number between 1 and 19.
It’s 11.
If you got something else, you’re wrong.

Hit the ground running

why can’t the side effects from a prescription be something cool like levitation or the ability to cast spells

Craving a loaded baked potato. I'm talking sour cream, cheese, bacon, chives, and whatever else. Get that thing nasty

I'm gonna need to pack a bowl about it

im sorry but there are too many body parts that hurt right now and im not in the mood for fun and frivolity

y’all go on without me

a girl just told me
i don’t know shit about fuck
and i think i love her

Sometimes I feel as if we’re all Schrodinger's cat.

my iphone accidentally touched another iphone at a brewery and apparently just had sex as they “connected”