the different types of water are salt water, fresh water, and glass of water on my nightstand that i poured last night

A text exchange between D and a friend. D: Does this mean I can be your sugar baby now Friend: yah what does that mean exactly what do u need bb D: Idk just like healthcare

my demands are clear and simple

Yeah but what if the Melania movie was called Seven Samurai instead? And then when you went to see it they just showed you Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 masterpiece Seven Samurai? I bet you liberals would *love* it then. Typical.

Ranking every condiment by degrees of sensuality

i have just gotten off a productive call with sauron where i laid out our requests

- nazgul bodycams
- morgul knife must remain sheathed unless suspect is determined to be carrying the one ring
- shelob will be the new point of contact

i know my account hasn’t been much fun lately but in my defense *points at every single fucking thing*

explaining to my cat that she is not a halfling and she doesn't get second breakfast

18 year old me would be fatally upset to find out that i didn't say anything about how the president's goons executed a protester, so i would just like to say it's totally fucked up that the president's goons executed a protester and that life should not be moving on as if everything is normal.

My family crest includes the sangria pitchers that leak terribly every single year that we refuse to replace

In the spirit of giving, I’m offering ass kickings to anyone who’d like one.

I’m not wrapping gifts, I’m creating abstract art out of panic and shiny paper.

please no one tell the little 8lb 10oz baby jesus that i'm eating deviled eggs today

i left out cookies and milk for the amazon driver but they said all they want is to unionize

dune is a christmas movie

At this festive time of year I'd like to remind everyone to praise Odin.

My heart is breaking for my students

They already have to battle
housing insecurity,
food insecurity,
mental & physical health insecurity,
and now one of the only things they can count on,
SNAP Benefits,
won’t be accessible to them.

Kids shouldn’t go to bed hungry

This country is a disgrace

A friend asked people to rate the gingerbread bites and peppermint bark he made. The consensus is his bark is worse than his bites.

Convinced that there is a small group on here that is in fact one person talking to himself.

I can write better than this but I don't want to be the one the aliens abduct and force to punch up their ultimatums.

I’m sorry you think the road to hell is paved you stupid, stupid man.

As a tall person I cannot offer to reach something on a high shelf for a stranger, yet if they ask me I must oblige. This is the law of the giants

Every day I just barely resist the urge to pick up my cat and pretend to play her like a set of bagpipes. She will never understand these sacrifices I make for her.

Just closed out a meeting by reminding people that I am off on friday and if they need anything to "pretend that I am deceased"

How beautiful it is to observe familiar landscapes. I love them, I cherish them.🫠🌳🌿

How beautiful the sea is when it is calm, it gives peace and tranquility. Costa Brava. Girona. Catalonia.💙

beautiful 🙂 great pics!

just sitting round here counting crows with mr jones feeling like it’s probably gonna be a long december

The beauty of a cormorant and its reflections. How beautiful.🫠🍂🍁