😂 Hopefully that’s all it is. I’d take a little ghost possession over whatever this is lol

Thanks. And it’s both ends now, frequently. Texting my family and it sounds like it might be Norovirus. This could be a rough few days…

Thanks 🙏 Hopefully it’s just a bug.

I did before responding to you 😔 and I’m sure I’ll do it again. Outside of hangovers, I think I’ve thrown up once in the last fifteen years. This is incredibly uncommon for me. And thanks for the vibes 🙏

broke: suns out, guns out

bespoke: sky’s out, thighs out

healing my inner torment by incorporating one bandaid a day into my diet

Thank you 🫶 The last “stage” is now me on my knees before a toilet 🤕 I **never** throw-up (sorry if that’s TMI).

4pm — Perfectly Fine
8pm — Completely Toast

The seven stages of human evolution but it’s just me getting progressively sicker over the last few hours 😔

I wonder what PETA thinks about my coat of spider fur?

A good way to leave a conversation is to pretend you dropped your glasses behind some furniture, bend down to pick them up then ninja roll out of the room, house, street, suburb, city, state, country, planet.

high intensity training

then: quickly getting shit done before the tv commercial break ended

now: quickly getting shit done before my tolerance for this work day has ended

Disappointed to learn Wolf Spiders don’t hunt in packs and howl at the moon.

Coincidences like this make my skin crawl. This was taken from today’s NYT Connections game (marked as NSFW b/c of spoilers for today’s game):

My wife and I are at the age where we wake up, drink coffee and just continuously clear our throats for 45 mins.

Sorry I yelled “FINISH HIM” at your son’s circumcision

My favorite part after sex is checking to make sure that they didn't steal anything from my house.

Public Service Announcement: Marijuana affects the memory.

God, I sure fucking hope so.

What if we just doused
all their campfires responsibly

listening to something run really fast,
heart hammering through the forest. Maybe it’s us,

carrying coal in our pockets.

I honestly have nothing intelligent to add today, so buttholes.

That’s gonna leave a question mark.

my disappointment when she asked if i wanted some elevator action and the arcade didn’t have it

A casserole dish with four meatloaves.

4/20 and Meatloaf Monday? All in the same day?

Score!

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

I will continue to treat any account that pushes Dems to run on anything other than a platform of prosecuting all of this criminality and corruption as either a bot or a bad actor or a sock puppet of some kind.

my father never hugged me but one time he wrapped his arms around me to drag me away from a piece of cake he wanted

normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

small-batch locally-sourced sunday scaries

Creep by Radiohead is my favourite song about that guy in your DMs.