Superhero idea: Vigil-Auntie, a middle-aged woman who goes around affirming the interests of young people and supporting them emotionally.

“Take my yolk upon you!” — rebellious church kids, egging the youth pastor’s house

Almost fell off
My stability ball
Very impressive
Good job, Holl

Lost a hat
Blamed a rat
Sat on hat
My fault, that

Today was my yearly tax prep with a certified volunteer, i.e., Trauma-Bond with an Accountant Day.

Dad noticed the speedometer on my little Hyundai goes to 150. Good to know, should I find myself runnin’ moonshine through the holler with G-men on my tail.

My peeve is that all “maxxing” is X-maxxing — of all letters, X is the one least in need of doubling, and I am unable to relaxx about it.

You know how they find criminals because they have relatives who submitted genetic material to ancestry sites? If we’re related, please don’t do that because I’d like to get away with any crimes I commit.

I don’t recommend asking, “How stupid can I be?” lest the universe assume you’re not being hypothetical and answer your question.

I will probably never be worth a million dollars, but I have a music student who trusts me enough to tell me when she’s sad, and I wouldn’t trade one for the other.

My dog walked into the room, saw me dancing to the “wiggle wiggle” part of I’m Sexy and I Know It, and turned around and walked out again.

Badger would like to know when the next World Lumberjack Competition is happening and whether they have a howling event.

I was never into sports, but the gifts they offered with a 1980s Sports Illustrated subscription were so tempting.

Here are title options for my (I’m sure many) future biographers:
Schaff: Here She Is in a Smurf Hat
Schaff: If You Don’t Find Farts Funny, This Isn’t for You
Schaff: Was Her Dog Her Boyfriend? I Feel Uncomfortable Now