👀

Hope all my #Arkansas ppl are surviving these storms!
At this point idk if a tornado or the flooding is gonna take me out.

I changed the term “Hey Siri” to “Hey Shithead” and now feel justified for what I paid for this phone.

They make Tums containers wicked hard to open because irony

Many people love camping but that's too in tents for me

ME: [looking at a drawing my 5 year old made] wow that's an awesome..... Shrek??

HER: DADDY! IT'S YOU!

ME: wow. ok seriously, fuck you

Merry Christmas 🎁🎄and a Happy New years! 🥂🥳

. . . But also Fuck Christmas!
I'm so happy this shit is almost over.

The stockings were thumbtacked to the wall with care

Don’s Gay Apparel is a great name for a store at the mall

perfect night to rob santa’s house

Santa's workers hate Christmas because they always get elf-help manuals

I bet Santa's cum taste like candy canes

Got high and ate Santa's cookies

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Use him as bait and you’ll never have to share your fish again.

You should really stop holding in your farts. . . .

They float back up to your brain and that's where all your shitty ideas come from

For once I would like to hear the airlines tell us that all flights are delayed due to drunken pilots streaking on the tarmac and not due to bad weather.

The closer the cig burns to the butt it starts tasting bad. . .

your mom is ready to be picked up I’ll leave the outside light on

Annual reminder: the Charlie Brown Christmas tree was not some gaudy fir or over-indulged spruce. It was a white pine and, as such, was perfect the way it was.

Gnome or Xmas penis soap dispenser ?

Getting out of all Christmas plans by posting my obituary

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humour suggests I'm 12, whilst my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

if you invite me over and when using your restroom my finger punctures through your cheap toilet paper i am legally allowed to burn down your house

Coming up with jokes about erectile dysfunction isn’t hard.

During mating season I'll be displaying my red flags like plumage

we should get longer weekends when the days are shorter